Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 8/25/2007

Question
Hello,

I was dating a man I was very much in love with. Him and I had a lot in common, same music, movies, books, career goals, sense of humor, personality, beliefs etc. It was like we were carbon copies and we laughed every moment we had together. He was genuine, caring, honest, open, loving, sympathetic, warm, funny, friendly, playful - all of these wonderful things. I was definitely in love with him. He treated me with a lot of respect and did a lot of nice things, even going out of his way to do nice things to me. He never forget my birthday or special days, always did nice things that no one else would think of. Also I entered our birthdates into this horoscope compatibility thing (just for fun, wasn't taking it seriously) and the astrologist said we were a 98% match and definitely the man I was meant to marry. Wow...I don't think much about the psychic stuff but I thought it was kind of cool. He seemed to just absolutely adore me. Told all of my friends that I was the woman of his dreams, how special I was, how lucky he was to be with me. I really thought he was the one. We were compatible in almost every way imaginable. We didn't have many fights at all, we got along really well. He hugged me and kissed me for hours and hours, just holding in each other, kissing on the couch, in bed, in the shower. Just really loved me and adored me it seemed. He made me very happy. No other man had made me feel that way.

Then one day he broke up with me out of the blue and I just didn't get it. I was very sad.

Then I found out...he had been cheating on me the ENTIRE time we were together, and had left me for the other woman.

So he has been with this other woman almost a year now, and apparently it is just booty call because she is having sex with 5-6 other men as well. He openly told all of my friends and all of his friends that he is just using her for sex. The girl is very skanky and several men I know have slept with her, when her name came up they just snickered and laughed and insulted her and made crass comments about her body, she is just a "easy time for a night." All the men on the street know about her. Also, not to be mean, but she is really ugly and she has no curves, guys rate her about a 3-4 on a 10 scale, they all just laugh about her and just use her for sex. In fact at parties she is "passed around"

Him and her have been "hooking up" for a while and no one ever knew they were going out. They don't hold hands or kiss in public like he did with me. They don't even talk to each other in public.

So for the past few months, he has been constantly messaging me saying he misses me, and begs to know when the next time I will be online so that we can chat and catch up. I didn't bother responding.

I have some questions here.

Why would this man leave a real, true love relationship with me just for booty call with her? That makes NO sense.

Also, I am known for being a nice, sweet, caring individual who always dresses classy. Why would a man downgrade to her when he knows she is a skank who gets around (in fact he told me when we were together he thought she was slutty)?

Also why is he contacting me now almost begging me to talk to him. The other day he was like 'oh could you please be online at 3 pm tomorrow so we can talk? please? can you?' I mean it was almost pathetic.

Do you think he is missing the emotional aspect of our relationship? Because booty call isn't enough? He knew I really loved him, he knows I love him very much still.

It's so sad we can't be together! But I guess since he has been a creep like that, just dropped me like a bag of rocks, then pining over him is pointless.

I still just don't understand a lot of things. We seemed to have it all together. Why would he throw it all away just for a peice of ass?

Ana

Answer
Dear Ana,

Oh my.

Well, that's the $10 million question, isn't it.  

I know you don't really want to know why (because some men are just that stupid), you want to know how could he ... and could he really not have valued what the two of you had ... and didn't he appreciate what he had in you ... and perhaps even how come you didn't catch on quicker ... and things like that, for which there is no real answer.  (Except you could chat with a coach about what clues you MIGHT have missed ... that's helpful - you know, a post mortem.)  

I'm sorry it happened to you.  You articulate better than most, but there are a lot of women left in that position who cannot comprehend what happened.  Or why.  Why WOULD a man throw it all away just for a piece of ass?  Be glad you weren't married for 5 years with 2 babies ... or 25 years with a whole history.

Well, he's dumb that's why.  He's a real fool.  You know the drill about men and their sex drive and all that, and if a man doesn't learn how to manage it and integrate it with thinking and feeling, and establish a set of values and priorities for himself, they throw away real relationships, and, as a matter of fact, other things of value.  I had one man tell me, "I would've had a career, I would've had some money now, if I hadn't been so busy chasing tail."  He could also be brain-damaged, but I guess you would've picked up on that.  This sort of thing, whatever it is for (lots of theories - running away from intimacy, not seeing women as people, avoiding an emotional relationship, immaturity, fear of responsiblity??) or the experience itself (I shudder to think, after how you describe her), for some reason, is apparently worth it to them.  Who knows.  

Turning your question around is the best answer I can give.  "How come all men don't throw it all away just for a piece of ass?"  Whatever that takes, find one of those.  You deserve it.

It's a choice, and he made a very poor one.

Bear in mind the worst part of this is not that he dumped you (which was actually a favor to you), but that this was going on all along.  And that he is known to still be doing this and has the cluelessness to be trying to contact you.  What about this doesn't he get?  I think you have a real Neanderthal here.  For the answer to that question, I could hook you up with at least 20 other women right now who want to know the same thing.  Better that you not try and figure something like that out ... be incredulous, hurt, and mystified like the rest of us, and consider it a learning experience.  

I applaud you for not talking to him.  Having no answer for you, I have a question for you:  "How are you able to resist getting drawn back in?"  That's the other $10 million question, on which you appear to be doing quite well.  

I was apalled reading this, that's all I can say.  There's something about him that's not right.  That's all there is to it, and it's for sure you deserve better.  Actually now that I'm writing, if you hang around men they identify the men like this for you.  They all know the type.  Word!

Hang in there kiddo.  You aren't the only one this has happened to.  From what you write, it doesn't sound like he's even a candidate for rehab at this point.  

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc