Expert: Rhapsody Love - 10/14/2006

Question
Actually, I have a crush on him. Since I have not seen him, I wrote a letter to him. The letter explains what I feel and how I feel. I have not seen him in a week. So, I left the card to an employee at the gym to give to him. The person that I gave the card to said that he came in today and he told him that I was asking about him. The employee said he said okay (I guess in a friendly way). I think about him alot and I get butterflies in my stomach. What should I do when I see him? Either before he reads the letter or after he reads the letter?
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Followup To

Question -
I do not know what it is. One day I got on the bus to go workout. You see there was this guy on the bus that workout at the same place I do. I have seen him a couple of time but, I never thought about him. I sat down and said nothing. When it was my stop, he got off of course and walk the same way I did and said, "Going to workout?" I replied, "Yes!" He said, "because I see you all the time." That let me know that he watches me (at least what I thought). Well, he spoke to me again (the same day). I thought that was considerate (again). I said hello again and proceeded with exercising. The next time I saw him I asked what is his name and he told me while extending his hand out to shake mine. Of course I told him my name. I began conversing with someone and he was doing the same thing too for about a minute. Afterwards, I asked him would he be in on Thursday around this time and he said that he is here everyday. I told him well I can not come on Wednedays. So, I said that I would see you on Thursday. He said okay, I will see you then. That day came and went and as other days but, he never spoke to me again. I would see him and he would not even come and say hi to me. You see I know that I am not physically attractive but, at least he could have told me that instead of making me believe that he wanted to talk to me. I want to go up to him and ask but I do not want to seem aggressive.

Answer -
Janelle,

Sorry your message got lost; I'm just seeing it now.

He was friendly the first day and you weren't any more or less attractive that day, were you? Why couldn't you be the first one to say hello instead of him? Maybe he thought you didn't like him, isn't that a possibility? I think it sounds like the problem is more your problem than his. Often people who believe themselves to be unattractive will act differently subconsciously. I don't know that you do, but it's possible.

I think there is a pretty woman inside every woman. There is also an ugly woman  inside every woman. You can make either one more prominent.

Here are some links to photos of famous women who are pretty and ugly - depending on your opinion and how they were looking that day. I won't choose the photos for you, I will just link to photo searches, but these are women who some people think are beautiful and some people think are ugly - you decide:

Barbara Streisand http://tinyurl.com/k3sfh

Summer Glau http://tinyurl.com/pzv8y

Ellen DeGeneres http://tinyurl.com/plewn

Lucille Ball http://tinyurl.com/lpqcv

Kimberly Elise http://tinyurl.com/g4awl

You need to concentrate on your positive traits and feel pretty. If you have trouble figuring out what positive traits you have to focus on, try aspects of your personality by taking type tests:

http://www.keirsey.com/

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

(If you like Enneagrams try "Are You My Type, Am I Yours?" by Elizabeth Wagele and Renee Baron <http://wagele.com/type.html>)

Good luck!

- Joyce


Answer
Janelle,

I guess by now he read the letter. I don't know what you said in it. If  you were very direct and said you're interested in him and that you have a crush on him and he continues to not talk to you, then he probably is not interested in you romantically. It's best not to address a man you don't know well so directly. He could have become more interested in you if he got to know you more gradually - without any expectation. Knowledge of romantic desire is an expectation that he might not be ready for.

If I was you and I realized that I communicated a bit too boldly to someone I didn't know well, I'd apologize for my boldness. If he didn't seem interested and I had trouble controlling my romantic expectations, I'd either work to contol myself and try to step back and just make friends OR I'd stop going there and being exposed to him so I could forget him and stop having those feelings.

You have no control over him, over how he feels and acts. You only have control over yourself. Communication is the #1 way to get to know someone and for them to get to know you. Starting out slow - getting to know each other as acquaintances and then friends and then lovers is the way to go - one step at a time. There are some people who've had "love at first sight" and jumped right into being lovers and it worked, but that is not the way it works for most people. Even if that does work for some couples, if they want to make their relationship life-long, they have to communicate and become friends, too.

Through friendship comes influence and influence is a subtle form of "control" without really controlling him. If you know what he wants out of life and learn what ways of communicating with him works to help him really pay attention to what you have to say, then you can communicate the things you want to him in a way that helps make him want the same things. Still, it is his choice.

What did you expect to happen when you gave him that letter?  If you're talking about "a life-long relationship" (what I give advice about), then why should he chose you as the one person to spend the rest of his life with when he doesn't even know you? If you can understand a little from his perspective, you might know better how to procede.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

- Joyce