Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/18/2007

Question
You may be able to help me out... maybe not, but I figure I'll just ask it anyway.

There’s this guy in my English 101 class. He’s VERY shy! Like… wow… I think he’s afraid to talk to me shy. The first time I noticed him was when we were walking to our next class. Him and his friend were behind me and I was on my phone. He said quietly, but obviously loud enough for me to hear, “That girl is on her phone texting way too much.” My first thought was, “Wow… you don’t even know me and you say that? Real cool.”

We sit in the same row, but on different sides of the room. There’s a walkway in between our desks. (If you can imagine that.) I have started to notice that when class gets over we walk out in different directions every time, but it always seems to be that we end up at the door at the same time. He always lets me go first through the door and we give each other just a great big smile, so cute. I can tell he’s interested because he makes gestures and looks at me… but acts like he’s not looking… ya know?

One day, I was looking at one of my friend’s profiles and I saw his. So I sent him a message making sure it was the same one and sure enough, it was him! Welp, we’ve been talking on Facebook a lot. Which is great… but he won’t talk to me in person… which is awful!!!! The ONLY time we talked was when we passed each other in the hall. I was like HEY! With a great big smile and he was like… hey what’s up?! With a great big smile too! Haha…

Well, it just really sucks that we BOTH are too shy to talk in person… I’m always the one to make the first comment/message on Facebook. The past 3 times I’ve asked him to hang out, he’s had to work… which is true, because the one night he had to work, my friend decided she was hungry and wanted to go to Deirbergs. (Where he works.) And we saw him there, but he didn’t look at us. I’m pretty sure he was us, but I’m not sure.

My problem is.... how the hell do we talk to each other.... his Facebook says on it, "I’m a real shy person at first, but once you get to know me... I’m a totally different person!" I want him to do something already, but I’m afraid by me talking to him online has ruined things. I don’t want to scare him off, I’m just trying to be friendly. What do I do?

Answer
Hello Ash!

Since you both seem to be able to talk on FaceBook, use that to transition into real life.

Write to him about his profile and say, "Your profile says that you're a totally different person in real life once someone gets to know you. The problem is that nobody can get to know you since you don't meet them in real life! Are you going to be that way forever?"

He'll make some excuse about being busy or that he can meet in real life and then you can simply say, "Fine. When?" and let him set-up a date around his own schedule.

The point here is that he's obviously waiting for you to do all the work, but isn't exactly making himself available. You're going to have to draw out his availability if you want to move things forward. This will do that.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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