Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 12/5/2006

Question
Well, I see him at school and around the school's neighborhood. I really need to know how to talk to him. Could you please help me?

I sent you an email once, but you never replied back. Please help me, this is the last year that I can see this person again since he'll be graduating soon, and I'd like to make the most of it. I don't want to think that I was in love with someone and had nothing come out of it. I'm in desperate need for help.

Thank you.
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I've been in love with this guy for the longest time ...ever since sixth grade. So, one day I approached him and asked, "Is your name ----?" He just nodded and then I said, "You're cute".

The guy I like just simply raised his eyebrows in awe and walked away. I know that I messed up my chances of ever befriending this person.

How can I still be able to talk to him? Sometimes when I try to look at him, I catch him looking at me, but then he looks away when he sees that I'm looking at him.

Is there still a chance of me and him ever being friends or even talking to each other?
-----Answer-----
Hi Maniza,
   I know how hard it is to be in love "all by yourself."  You don't tell me where you run into him - at work?  neighborhood?  
   Of course there's still a chance.  Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and I'll coach you on getting to him.  Can't be done in writing, I'm sorry to say - lots of things I need to find out from you, but to answer your question, sure - there's still a chance. You just need to get savvy.  I get these things going all the time.

Best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

Answer
Dear Maniza,
    The response I sent you is below the one you wrote, here:

Hi Maniza,
  I know how hard it is to be in love "all by yourself."  You don't tell me where you run into him - at work?  neighborhood?  
  Of course there's still a chance.  Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and I'll coach you on getting to him.  Can't be done in writing, I'm sorry to say - lots of things I need to find out from you, but to answer your question, sure - there's still a chance. You just need to get savvy.  I get these things going all the time.

Best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
_________
I recommend that you get some coaching.  It is $25 per session, the cost of a movie.

What I can tell you here is briefly this.  People like to talk about themselves (don't you?)  Do you know his interests?  If so, when you see him, don't interrupt him if he's in a group.  That is never easy to do and he won't like it.  Smile, wave.  Maybe he'll come over.  If he's alone and you can go up to him, smile, and say some things like this.  I will have to make up the details at this point.

Hi.  How are you doing?

Hi Neat sweater. (pause) How was the game last night? or You really did super in the game last night.

You:  Hi.  
He:  Hi.  What's up?
You:  Nothin' much.  What's going on with you.
He:  Nuthin' much.
Then you must come up with a TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.  You need you learn this anyway, as part of your social skills, so you say something like.
You:  Hey, did you see that Borat movie?
He:  Yeah.
You:  What was your favorite part?  (If you shrugs, say "I thought it was hysterical when..."  

Don't use things like "I messed up my chances of befriending..." - unless you get yourself in emotional turmoil, that isn't usually the case.  There are second and third chances all the time.  Don't get in the habit of using "never" and "always."  When you have that sort of "worried" energy, it doesn't allow you to be spontaneous, and it messes up things.  So be relaxed.  Talk to him like you would a girl friend.

Spend some time noticing.  What do other girls say to other boys?  You will have PLENTY of chance to observe this.  There's a style at your school that I wouldn't know anything about, but you will!  They might say "wha'sup" or something like that.  

Basically speaking, guys like to talk, and to talk about themselves, once they get going, but they can be slow to start.  Once you get him going, just sit there and say "ooh" and "ahh" and look pleased to be with him and hearing these wonderful things about him.  They also like to "lecture," to tell you how to do things, because they are born to solve problems.  You could ask something he knows about that he can tell you about.  Don't be phony though.  This could be - how to pass English, how to get to some place, where to get tickets to something, how to fix your car, how to get your dad to let you do something.  

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc if you want coaching.  A lot of this is not words, it's how you look, the look on your face, the tone of your voice, what you say and what you DON'T say, matching the level he's at (you don't want to SCARE him) and things like that.

This would be well worth it for your future.  

You can't MAKE him like you if he doesn't, and if he doesn't, it's nothing to take personal.  It pertains to him.  But there are things that can really turn a guy off.  There are also things that can help you over this bump.  I need to know your age, where you live, etc.

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc