Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 2/10/2007

Question
First off I want to tahnk you for your insightful response.  I also was hoping maybe you could answer a few more questions for me.  Mainly it seems to be "men" who have a hard time approaching me.  Women usually come right up and talk, but except for a few close friends and guys I know pretty well, men never seem to approach me.  The more I think about my facial expressions, the more I wonder if that's not it.  Of course, the people who know me realize I'm not angry when in classes, just that I get a certain expression on my face when I'm deep in thought (which happens to be pretty often).  I was wondering if you know of any websites I can visit to study facial expressions and such as you mentioned, and to see how to soften it up a bit?  I'm not trying to sound arrogant, but I really am a nice person!  I'm not the type of person to snub or bite off the proverbial head of someone if they start a conversation.  Therefore, I think it must be mainly my facial expressions and my "deep in thought" look.  If you could suggest any websites I might visit with information on facial expressions and such, I would appreciate it.  It's funny how after talking, err typing, through all of this and thinking about it, how I can almost come to my own conclusion about my possible "unapproachableness"!  Thanks again.
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
Hi.  I'm a 21 year old female college student.  I am kind of shy and reserved until I get to know someone, however, I feel that I'm getting the vibe that guys see me as unapproachable.  Now, I'm not what you would call a "stunner", but am aware that I'm reasonably cute, so I know it's not because I'm deemed "hideous"!  However, for some reason I think I may be coming off as unapproachable.  I am kind of a serious person, and know I may look so at some times, so I don't know if I look grouchy or something.  I'm just really stumped and was hoping maybe you could give me some reasons that guys find it hard to approach women.  I really am a nice person and am friendly, even though I may not look that way, and am hoping to find out why people have a hard time approaching me.  Any help is appreciated.
-----Answer-----
Hi Nikki,
Good for you for wanting to learn more about yourself.  Emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness.  
For one thing, it is "people" who have trouble approaching you, or "men"?  
There's not a lot I can 'know' from here, since I haven't had the chance to meet you and test MY feelings...my reaction would be the same as everyone else's -- that's the way it works.  One clue is that you write "I'm deemed 'hideous'".  This sounds like an intellectual.  I happen to be very fond of "intellectuals" myself, and people who have a turn-of-phrase like that, well-read, well-educated, somewhat serious people will never win popularity contests" in the US of A in 2007.  That's a shame, but you watch TV just like I do and the "dumb blond" is very popular, as is the ditzy brunette.  
Now when I was growing up, and a woman's entire life and livelihood depended upon "marrying well," we were actually taught things like, "never beat a man in a sport," and "never show how intelligent you are."  In case you doubt this, you might be interested to know that Marilyn Monroe had an IQ of 150.  
People who are attractive, intelligent and serious are often perceived as arrogant. Beautiful women tell me they have a terrible time dating, as does anyone else with some "intimidating" quality.  
Whatever it is, and if you would like to be MORE approachable, study those who are.  Introverts, for instance, would just as soon be left alone, and I know one who is both an introvert and v. beautiful and alluring.  She practices doing the things that keep people from approaching, because she has too much of it, and it does not please her.  Here are some of the things that keep people from approaching another person:  
1.  Looking too different from everyone else, i.e., the "bone in the nose" thing.  If you dress like a misfit, you'll be perceived to be one.  
2.  Failure to make or maintain normal or welcoming eye contact.  
3.  Hard-set facial or postural expressions.  Think of the school m'arm, or the dictator.  Study some website with facial expressions, and learn to relax, if you are appearing stern or forbidding.  It's in things like the set of the jaw, having a scowl, lip curled in disdain, nose tilted upward, and other such things you may not be aware of and could change if you wanted to.  Study an open, inviting, engaging face - big smile, warm eyes, the tilt of the head, etc.  
4.  Portraying a lot of anxiety.  People don't like to be around people who are insecure and anxious.  
5.  Obnoxious things like body odor, a cackling laugh, spinach in your teeth, etc.  Remember that scene in the Monty Python movie when the bishop speaks ...?
6.  Blatant exposure, like cleavage in the workplace.  
7.  Signs of extreme poverty or wealth (any extremes).
8.  Some cultural difference ... like being too much in someone's face, or needing to stand farther away from the other person that what is expected in the culture that you are in.  

Get the idea?  Study yourself like an outsider looking in.  Study others whom you perceive to be "inviting" or who obviously get lots of advances.  Find someone you trust who might give you feedback.  I'm sure I could tell you many things if you called me on the phone.  You might have a cold tone of voice, for instance, or odd spacing of words, poor grammar, an egocentric manner (talking only about yourself), or nadder on and be boring.  Feedback is what you need.
It would be good to get coaching; that's what the field is for!  "Shy" and "reserved" people will never win a popularity contest, but winning a popularity contest (in the sense I mean it), is like winning the ratrace.  Not always something you want to do!
There are any number of small things you can to do welcome others to approach you that are pleasant, EQ-smart, and do not pull you too far away from your natural personality.  This could be something like learning basic social skills, and conversational skills.  We all have to learn these.  When I decided I wanted to go into PR, there were a lot of things I had to learn, particularly how to be inviting on the telephone.  What I did most of all was to study people who were good at the things I wanted to learn.
Continue to pursue this and learn more about yourself.  It's very helpful!
Good luck,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

Answer
I'm glad you found some enlightenment -- to your own wisdom.  When you think about, you can often figure it out.  It's important that you be perceived as you are.  That will make your life easier.  We all have to prevaricate and we learn this growing up.  It's rude to show that you are bored with someone, for instance, so we learn all these ways of plastering looks all over our faces.  So why not learn some new ones, and get aware of what you're doing.  Great idea.

You can find a website by googling.  This one is probably the best - http://members.aol.com/nonverbal2/diction1.htm .  This one is also good - more basic, more out for a buck, I think:  http://nonverbal.ucsc.edu/ .  Given's site is like a labor of love.  Google "nonverbal communication" and other terms like that (facial expressions, posture) and you'll find lots, I'm sure.  

Also observe others closely.  The ones you're drawn to and the ones you aren't.

Now with males, there's always that "chemistry" and that's -- doh -- at the chemical level.  But flirting is wonderful, and I'm afraid a lost art. Why?  Because we love to be teased and tantalized, and everyone just sleeps with everyone on the first date now.  What a shame. Remember that classic song, I think it's called Thrill me - take me in your arms and drive me slowly out of my mind ...?  Well, a client once asked me why that never happened to her.  Why she never "drove a man slowly out of his mind."  Since she slept with them all immediately, how could she??   

Flirting is around for a good reason.  It goes back to, for instance, themale peacock having all the bright plumage -- so he can attract females.  That is, without walking up to them and clubbing them over the head!  All studies show that men are far more enticed by a dress that covers everything, than getting the full-meal-deal at first glance.  DOH!

So read up about flirting too.  There's a LOT you can do with your eyes and hands that will attract a man. There are sites that describe it explicitly - look up then down.  It's v. enticing.  

Here's a dear example.  The violet so evolved that it has a scent that only lingers for a moment.  Did you ever notice that?  You get a whiff, and then it's gone.  A rose -- my gosh!  You'll end up sneezing.  The "shy" violet!  You never get an overdose; therefore you never get "enough" and that is what keeps a person coming back for more.   

You'll quickly catch on to what's going on.  One thing that's neat is that the muscles in our face are a big part of stress.  If you stop right now and make yourself grin, even if it's totally fake, you will see how many other big muscles in your body relax.  Try it.  Just take a pencil and put it in your mouth crosswise, to make a smile, and you are accomplishing anti-stress relief.  (Laughter is fantastic therapy - even if faked!)  

So get busy learning and have a good time.  It's sad to be mis-perceived, and not that hard to correct.  We all have what's called a "game face" and we start learning the minute out mother tells us not to stick up our nose at turnips!  The more awareness you have, the more you have under your control.

Coaching would be excellent for you.  Well worth the money.  You can never see yoursel, really, the way others see you.  You can learn a lot from an experienced coach!

Good luck,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc