Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/19/2007

Question
Hello Susan,
I have never been a big dater. I am 28 years old and have probably dated fewer than 40 men. I was a bit of a late bloomer, shy and am still a bit reserved. I want to get out there and date more but it seems like guys rarely make a move. I think I am attractive and have a nice fit figure. I used to get so confused when men would randomly stop their conversation with a friend to tell me how beautiful they thought I was and then continue their conversation with the friend and walk away. They would never want to stay and talk to me. Women make statements to me to the affect "If I looked like you I would...." I get confirmation that I am attractive all the time from women, gay men and elderly people all the time. I am not sure how to take such compliments when I receive them. I feel that if I were that attractive I would have more men hitting on me. Where are the single available men who think I'm beautiful. An older male friend of mine has told me that I am intimidating. I can't figure out how or why that is. How can I give off a more approachable vibe and still be me. I'm not an aggressive woman who hits on men and makes the first move. I want the man to do that.

Thank you.

Answer
Hi Julette,

Well, this is kind of a puzzle.  If you are "intimidating" to men because of positive things, then just keep enjoying things, and sooner of later there will be a gentleman with enough self-esteem to take it on.  However, I have found this rarely to be the case.  Truly "beautiful" people, inside and out, are generally very well liked.

If you are "intimidating" because of a lack of social skills (regardless of your appearance, which is 'only skin deep'), then you need to work on your emotional intelligence.  Being overly shy, or appearing arrogant or cold of things you would want to work on because they will limit more than dating - they will limit your career, life, and all relationships.

It is particularly difficult when limited social skills are combined with physical beauty.  I have worked with many people like this.  You get "attention" for something that was just given to you for a gift ... but then it ends there, and it is very confusing, and very frustrating.

Furthermore, you will get no sympathy.  Other women envy your looks - besides it's a competitive age.  I note you mention gay men and elderly people.

However, you really are without a objective person who has your interests at heart who can tell it to you the way it is.  You are not in the best position to figure this out yourself.  It just doesn't work that way.  I would suggest you have a couple of sessions with a coach.  I have one in mind who could work well with you.  The first and most important step is to realize that something is NOT WORKING for you.  Then get with a coach, and clear this up.  They can see what you can't see (no one can ... we are all the fish who can't see the water!), won't dig around in the past, which over, after all; and can design a strategy and tell you what to do differently - specifically and clearly.  

I wish more people knew about coaching, I really do.  Why stumble around like this?  Let me repeat that you need someone who is both objective AND "on your side" for you to reach your goals, and that is what a good coach is.  

A man thinking you are beautiful is like being a beautiful vase.  It's nice, no question about it, but that and $2.50 will get you a vente latte breve.  You need more than that and to get in touch with your other gifts.  I want to state strongly that a man who would want you only for your physical beauty is not a good man to date, and not a good choice for long-term.  Men who have been taught (and this is parenting and emotional intelligence) that that is what to look for in a woman for a relationship, have been cheated.  

I coach and hear the men who are learning the hard way.  To quote one who was 22 at the time, "It's just scenery, that's all."  And to quote one who was 64 at the time, "It's too bad she wasn't as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside."  

I hope you'll make the decision to go for it.  Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and I can give you some referrals to chose from.  

Best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc