Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 6/7/2007

Question
hi...I met my childhood friend on orkut around 7 months ago, we had been classmates from 6th to 8th class, and even during school time, i had this very special corner for him in my heart....we met on orkut after 8yrs. now this guy and I really got talking, i mean we communicated everyday, be it chatting on net or text msging each other...we grew really close... although we had not met recently, i had begin to fall in love with him. Even he used to say things like " Why dont u become my Gf" or " our hearts are connected". He is working in a different city and we met when he came to my city 3 months ago...... we were together for 3.5hrs and he kept looking at me for the whole time.......and afterwards also, he kept text msging me saying things like " U are really very sweet" again and again.....and he said how much he had enjoyed being with me......

Now, i thought He also liked me, and after a week after our meeting, I told him that i loved him.... He said it was nothing of that sort between us, we were just best friends.....

this really confuses me...we had really grown too close over the months... we had never been out of contact for even a day.... we shared even the most intimate details of our life, our thinking is so similar and we understand each other so well....

this is the first time i had got serious about a guy.... otherwise i had always been independent and single..... but with him, i feel a sense of security and there is this warm cozines about our relationship......i seriously want to be with him for life, and it broke my heart when he said " we are just friends"....

we are still in contact, but sometimes i wonder where it is leading me to????

but there are 2 things:  firstly, his relationship with his high school crush had not worked out, she had cheated on him, that was 1.5 yrs ago, he is still upset about it.

and secondly, he says i was being kiddish when i said that i loved him, because we had met only once face to face......



But i know this guy is not flirting with me, he is my childhood love, he can not behave like that with me, he is a mature and intense sort of guy.....



i really love him (i know it is not a crush) and want to be with him......is there any way i can make him get involved with me???

we both are 22, I m a student and he is working....


Answer
Well, you broke the courtship Rules.   Too much, too soon.  Saying you loved him. We don't use the M (marriage) or the C (committment) or the L (Love) words, and we don't do the S thing (you know that one) until way, way down the line -- until the man has indicated true interest, is keeping his word, being responsible, truly ddating you, and talking about YOUR FUTURE. And this means after there has been real in-person dating, and not just hanging out, or spur-of-the-moment but where he asks you out Weds. for Sat. night. In fact you never do anything spur-of-the-moment for the first YEAR.

I have a Memo on the dating rules that would benefit you, as this experience is new to you.  Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .  

As it is, there's nothing you can do except not more of what you were doing.  In other words, back off, disappear, don't be so eager when he calls, don't answer emails and txt msgs for 24 hours, and be "easy to be with but hard to get."

Once you violate one of The Rules, it's impossible to get it back.  I suppose there are exceptions but I have never heard of any!  

Learn from this, and take some time to get some information about dating for marriage.  It's such a zoo out there now, it's helpful to know what to do to maximize a serious relationship happening.

Another Rule is when he says - nothing serious just friends, hear him and believe him.  It will save you a lot of grief.  He is not misleading you, he just told you. He may keep popping in like this, for his own reasons, but take what he said about "not serious" as the gospel truth and ignore the rest of what he's doing.  If you proceed after he said that, you do so at the peril of your sweet heart.  If he changes his attitude, then you can proceed, but on your own terms.  

Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc