Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 10/10/2007

Question
My partner for nearly four years left me yesterday. I asked him what i did wrong and he said nothing. I had been the perfect girlfriend it was my kids that were the problem. Well, one in particular-my youngest. He said he could not form any sort of relationship with her because if he did he would feel guilty towards his own kids who live with their mother. And by loving mine it would mean he would be taking love from his own kids.
I gave him support and welcomed his kids into my home and loved them like they were my own. If i was so perfect why wont he come back and let us work it through together.
Me and my kids love him so much and i really want him back but nothing i do seems to make a difference.

Answer
Dear Gemma,

It is sad that he seems to think it's a zero-sum universe where love is concerned.  Actually, the more you give, the more you have, and the more comes back to you.

Something doesn't ring true about what he has said ... but it rarely does when someone leaves.  Let's hope this is temporary.  Maybe something got to him, too much pressure from somewhere, tired, overwhelmed ... maybe he will miss you and contact you.  

The only question you ask in here is why won't he come back ... and for that answer, you would have to ask him.  However, who's to say he will not come back?  Also people can rarely answer "why" questions like that.    

If you asked for my advice on what to do, I would say to give him some space, be welcoming and pleasant if he calls, etc., and wait it out.  I hope you will shelter your children (especially the youngest) from such a statement.  It's hard enough on kids without adults dumping their stuff on them.

Let me know how it goes.  He might just come back when he gets things sorted out.  IF that is his "reason," then the REAL reason is his immaturity and inability to deal with things, not anything the child did.  After all, you were loving and giving to his children.  

I'm sorry this happened and I hope it will work out.  

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc