Expert: Rhapsody Love - 4/12/2002

Question
Hello:

   I am a 23 year old female who has recently met a 32 year old man who I find to be drop dead sexy, very smart, and has a good outlook on life.  He has stated that he is very attracted to me as well as he finds me to be very intelligent.  However, its been a week and I know this may be too soon but he has canceled 2 lunch dates with me and a possible dinner that we were both unsure of in which he did not contact me until 9pm in which I stated it was too late. He has also asked if I felt that he was to old for me in which I replied no.  My question is is there a difference in dating a man approximetly 10 years older?  How can I let him know I am very interested without being to obvious? He is definetly someone to bring home. I would appreciate any advice you can provide.  Thank you.

Answer
Amina,

10 years should not be a problem and the dating situation should not be that much different if everything else is relative.  First, could the problem be that he's married OR that he works with you or is your boss and doesn't want to create office problems OR some similar conflict-of-interest problem (you're his student or patient or client)?  If you're sure that none of these is true, then you could continue to pursue him.

So if none of the above situations is true, why is he treating you this way?  Is he a very busy professional?  This could be a problem that could persist throughout your relationship, so you need to realize that and know that you'd have to deal with it and/or compensate for it somehow while at that same time not allowing him to be abusive of you through this kind of neglectful & rude treatment.  I met my husband when he was much younger and don't know if he would've been this way as an older date, but as a younger man, he did forget dates and he now still forgets to call me sometimes even after years of trying to "brain-wash" him to always call if he's going to be late.  I know that it's because he is very wrapped up in his work and not that he doesn't love me or is seeing someone else.  He now knows how much it bothers me, though, and usually apologizes and tries to make up for it if it was something special.  It can take a long time to get to that level of knowing and trust, though, and an older man might be harder to "train."

Also, a 30 yo man has history.  Has he had problems like this with other relationships?  Is he incapable of learning to be respectful of a woman?  (I doubt it, but it's not impossible.)  If he's a great catch, why is he still single at 30?  There could be some good reasons, but these are some important questions to have answered eventually.
I don't know in what capacity you see him or how at this point you could communicate the seriousness of your feelings without being "obvious."  Since he has stated that he is very attracted to you, you've gotten to the point of some intimate conversation.  You've told me about dates he's canceled, but I don't know if you've had any that he's kept; I'm assuming that you have.  I think that would indicate that you're far enough along in your relationship to be more direct.  You should tell him (not with anger, but with concern that doesn't sound "controlling") how hurt you were when he canceled those dates.  Let him know with whatever words you feel comfortable using that you are interested in him and that you would like to continue and maybe even elevate your relationship with him.  And ask him if he's at all interested in dating you.  You have a right to wonder after canceled dates.  You can't keep making dates and have him cancel at the last minute - that's rude and it would be self-abusive to keep putting yourself in a position to allow him to do that to you repeatedly.  I think you deserve an explanation of some kind.  Maybe he needs someone to help him manage his schedule, though I know you're not at that point in your relationship yet.

I hope this helps.  Good luck!  Feel free to ask again.

- Joyce