Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 9/8/2007

Question
QUESTION: I met a man in June 2006...first date was August 2006...he and I are both divorced, with teenaged children, both had spouses who cheated on us.  Though we talked a couple of times after our date, we did not go out again, even though we had lots in common, and our date lasted for hours.  We reconnected through our mutual group of friends in December 2006, and went out with our small group of 4-6 people every few weeks; we began e-mailing each other.  It was obvious to everyone that we were very attracted to each other.  He is kind, considerate, but totally devoted to his two teenaged children; does everything both parents should do by himself; he definitely puts them before anything else in his life; then his highly demanding job.  He is very anal about everything; everything in his life in in order.  In April 2007, when we were with our small group, I finally asked him, if he was ever going to ask me to do anything with him (date).  We talked about that, and he told me he was very attracted to me,  but was not looking for a relationship...he had been very hurt, was not dating, but did like me and enjoyed being with me.  He asked me to the movies.  We became intimate in April...neither of us had ever slept with anyone else since our spouses.  I have seen him on and off since then; we have a wonderful time together, and enjoy each other's company.  He is very honest, and says that he does not know what is in the future in his life.  He is concentrating on his son (age 16); yes, he does go over the top doing things for his kids, I think he wants to be "superdad" and show mom up.  Because of his custody arrangements, he has his kids alot...and I do not get to see him, because he will not go out when they are home.  He has told his family about me, and a few friends...but that's it.  He asked me if I would be upset if he ever dated anyone else, and I said I would take it as a rejection to me.  He also said he would be upset if I dated anyone else but he would understand...because he feels he cannot give me what I want at this time. I am confused...he tells me that he knows if he ever lets me go, it could be the biggest mistake of his life.  But he will not even take a chance and see if this could work...I do not want to give up, but don't know what else to do.  I have been patient, I do not give ultimatums, and I know he is cautious, he has been divorced alot less time than I have.  He talks about "next time we go out" or "we'll do that together"...but his phone calls and e-mails are inconsistent.  He will not call me when his son is there...I have very deep feelings for him, and I want him to realize that this could be worth taking a chance on, because you cannot plan everything in your life, and put things off for the "perfect time".  I don't want to give up, but I do not know how much more patient I can be...

ANSWER: Dear Jill,

I know that this is sad and frustrating.  People are different, and take different routes in healing from a divorce, and some require more time than others.  It looks like you are ahead in this.  

I think you know what the answer would be if you gave an ultimatum, and yet you feel one coming in your heart.  You want to see this move forward, and he apparently does not.

I think you know, as well, what I will say.  How patient are you willing to be?    

You basically asked him out in April (which I don't recommend a woman doing ... men do what they want to do on their own), and he replied that he wasn't looking for a relationship, and from that point on, it becomes his game plan...which is apparently not what you had in mind.  You getting involved with your heart, but him not doing so.    

How much more patient ARE you willing to be for what you want in your life?  It won't be any easier 6 months from now, or a year from now.  It is a very strong signal when he says he doesn't mind you dating other men.  

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc   



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: follow up...Thank you...no, he didn't say he wouldn't mind me dating someone else...he actually kind of looked upset and teared up,,,and said it would bother him, but if that is what I needed to do to be happy, then he would understand.  It is strange...he sends me these e-mails, very detailed, personal information, confides in me, talks about my kids and his...signs them "sweet dreams"...the last one was Wed. night...so I e-mailed back Thursday night, and haven't heard a word. He has made progress if you will...in taking "baby steps"... and I feel he is attracted to me and likes me...I do not want to give up, but I do not want to chase him either...I want him to WANT me...he is very reserved and old fashioned, not a player.  I do not want him to be afraid of me...he told me the other night that if his kids knew me, and what kind of person I am, they would like me and not be afraid that I would take him away from them.  Do I contact him again?  My e-mail was last...I know his son is with him this weekend...I hate "playing games", but what can I do to spark his interest, or get him to come to his senses, and give us a chance...I know he has a great time with me, and enjoys being with me...and I don't mean just sex.

Answer
Believe me, my heart goes out to you.  These ones are hard.  He acts as if you had a relationship, and you do not really.

This feeling of I don't want to ... but I don't want to ... do you feel the "I can't win" of the situation?

As to calling him, emailing him, etc., let me put it to you this way -- if YOU pursue, you will NEVER have that feeling that he really wants you.  

It's not going to be any easier 6 months from now, or a year from now.

If you want coaching on this whole deal of midlife dating, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc.  Also see my ebook, "DATING SUCCESS MANUAL" - http://www.webtrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html .  

Best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc/internetdatingcoach.htm