Expert: Rhapsody Love - 7/31/2002

Question
I had started talking to this guy and after getting to know each other a little bit we went out on a couple dates and hung out. He knew my age before we had ever gone out (he was 37 and I was 21)  He seemed to really like me and I liked him and then one day out of the blue he wrote me a note saying that he thought our age difference was going to be a problem and that he hoped I would still be his friend. He then told me that it was not that he didn't like me, but that it also had something to do with his friends. His friends however, had only been casually introduced to me one time at a rather large party. I can't imagine any reason for his decision or his friend's opinions. The only thing that I could think of is that one night when we were hanging out I think he wanted to have sex and I didn't have sex with him. This is the only thing I can think of that could have made him unhappy or think that I was young, although he denies that this has anything to do with his decision. Since the note he continues to come to my job and still acts interested in me and is always asking about what I do, where I go and what time I get off work. He continues to talk and act like he likes me.  Sometimes his friends even show up where I am at when I go out, eventhough I never tell him where I am going. Why does he continue to show interest and have his friends be where I am, if he doesn't like me.  Also why does he say that its not that he doesn't like me, its his friends and our ages? If it was my age that bothered him, he knew that in the first place why did he ever ask me out then? And his friends never got to even talk to me beyond saying "nice to meet you" so how could they be such an influence to his decision?  I care a lot for him and would do anything to have this work out, everyone thinks he still likes me, what can I do? I want him desperately!
  Thank you so much for any help! I would love to have some links to this subject!

Answer
Kris,

Love can be so complicated. You sound suspicious of his reason for breaking off with you and I don't blame you; it does sound suspicious.

You're right that if he thought the age difference was a problem, then he should've said something or not dated you in the first place. Of course, sometimes men will date anything that breathes if they think it will get them in bed. Could it be that he thought the relationship was just a casual thing in the beginning and then it got more serious?

His friends don't have to know you to influence his thinking about you. He probably told them things about you, though we could only guess what they are besides your age. I would guess his friends definately made comments about your age. A typical response is, "You're robbing the cradle." Though most men envy other men who find someone much younger than them to date.  It's like a woman saying there's something wrong with an older woman looking younger than they really are - looking young is desirable to women, so a statement like that is envy; in the same way an older man going would a younger woman would illicit envy, too.

If you didn't have sex with him, then they probably think of you as someone who is looking for a committed relationship. Many single men fear that. Why have they stayed single for so long? Are you sure he IS single? Is he financially successful, could he think you're after him for his money?

He may still desire you, but fear the commitment that you might stand for and indicate in his life. Men don't hang out with their friends so much after they're in a committed relationship or marriage and he and his friends may fear that also. His friends may be thinking about going with you, too, if he has definately decided that he doesn't want to see you any more and maybe that's why they're hanging out where you are. If they never did before, then I wouldn't consider it a coincidence. You are stirring something inside them that's making them want to be near you, but if they're not acting on it, it could either be fear of commitment or because your former boyfriend still desires you and they are either spying on you for him or not yet approaching you due to respect for him.

If they're there, you have every right to be friendly to them. If he's around, you can approach him. You can invite him to eat with you. You can engage him in conversation. You can tell him you miss dating him and you can ask him questions about it, but don't be accusing or sound suspicious of him. You could find examples of relationships that have worked that were 15 yrs. or so apart in age.

Do you know about his history and why he's still single? Does he have children? Does he want children? Do you? Men, just like women, often want to have a family and fear that as they get older it might be getting too late for them, even though biologically it's not that true for them as it is for women.

You may want to keep conversation as comfortable as possible and try to recognize when it's getting uncomfortable. That doesn't mean you should always avoid subjects that are uncomfortable, but you can learn how to approach those topics that would create less discomfort for him if he allows you to have a friendly relationship with him. It seems like he would. Intimate relationships often start with friendship.

Also, if you become friendly with his friends, he may feel jealous and want you more. Or he may feel better that your friends can accept you if they've in the past been negative about you.

Not many people ask for links on this subject, so I haven't found very many and those I've found in the past have changed, but iVillage has a good section for women on romance. (This site doesn't make links clickable, so you'll either have to copy and
paste them in another browser or have this message send to your email where your software might make them clickable.):

http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/lovelessons/0,7472,237932,00.html

Good luck! Feel free to ask again.

- Joyce