Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 4/8/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello,

Recently my boyfriend (we go to law school together) told me "we need a break" because his boards were coming up. So I just assumed it was a breakup and cut off all contact with him totally. I ran into him a couple weeks later and he invited me out to an event, I said I would go but didn't attend. I ran into him downtown and he asked me to go to dinner with him right then so we ate together and I hugged him and left. I didn't ask him any relationship questions or anything like that. He has been going around telling people that we are just "seperated at the moment" because things got too crazy with his licensure exams coming up.

Should I have any hope that he is coming back to me? Or forget it and move on?

Ali
ANSWER: Not as long as it just amounts to whenever you run into him, he takes you along for the ride.  And if I were you, if you don't want a broken heart, I would have "relationship questions" for him before I got further involved with him again.  

If you take him back, he's got to stand and deliver; it's on your terms and you should have some "terms."  If you want a serious relationship, you have to be discriminate  and eliminate the ones who show no potential for that.  

If you read my column, you know that I'm not a big advocate for the men who shift ballast (their girfriend) every time there's a hiccup.  What does this suggest to you about is behavior if married?  In this circumstance, where he does have to study very hard for a few weeks, a man who wants you for a serious relationship stakes his claim clearly and at this point makes it known he wants you, that this is for your mutual benefit in the future, and then outlines a course of action during that time that keeps the thread going.  That isn't that hard to do.  This would be analagous to when, if married, the new baby comes, and you (the woman) find yourself extremely short on time and energy due to a situation of mutual importance to the two of you.

A couple has to learn how to negotiate life's major events without cutting and running emotionally.  Get used to that concept, and look for men who can keep a relationship going and handle the rest of their life at the same time-- and learn to do this yourself, as well.  

Should you have any hope he's coming back to you?  I suggest insteand you should be carefully analyzing his behavior in the context of his potential as a lifetime partner and considering whether you WANT him back.  

I'm curious - is he ahead of you in school?  If so, rememmber the day will arrive when you have to study for Boards.  How will you handle that?  If you're at the same point, how come he's got to cut and run and you don't?  Just some things to think about in the context of a marriage.

Best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION:
Thank you Susan for the response. Yes he is an upperclassman, so I will be taking boards in another year.

When we were together, he treated me exceptionally well. Not lavish gifts or anything like that, but he respected me and took very good care of me. I really felt loved. He was very considerate and did not flirt with other women or anything like that. He always asked how my day was and better yet, always listened. Most men don't do that. When he talked to me he always kept his eyes (and hands) on my face. He always went out of his way to show me he cared. So he definitely was an exceptionally good boyfriend.

And then when boards came up, he ran. Now I know this is the most stressful time of a law student's life, because this determines the rest of his career and what kind of lawyer he will be. So I totally understand the stress part and is it a legit reason for wanting to take a break from us? Hmmm...hard to say...but many in law school would say yes.

As a boyfriend, he was wonderful...but yeah if we got back together, I definitely don't wanna be tossed aside the next time the going gets rough for him.

What do you think is a good conversation to have with him in the event he does want me back? How do I start...maybe telling him upfront some ground rules? etc...not sure.

Ali
ANSWER: If he does try and come back, I suppose you might as well level with him.  Certainly you have nothing to lose at this point.  You'll have your own style.  Maybe something like he asks you to have dinner with him, and you could say, "Why would I want to have dinner with you?"  He will reply, or maybe say, "Well you don't have to be angry about it."  Then you say, I'm not angry, I'm .... and tell him how your're feeling, and you felt about being dumped that way, and what you are afraid it says about him.  Notice you do not call him name, do not say for sure it means he's "irresponsible," (unless you're sure he is), that you can't trust the relationship now and if he wants to continue, he will have to.  

Now since men don't like to be told what to do, you will know from his reaction.  If he really wants to you back, he has to change.  

Or if he asks you out, jump right in with (your own words), what are you looking for ?  What are you doing with me?  i.e, what kind of relationship are you after.

Personally I would say something like I value myself, I want a serious relationship, I'm not asking for a committment, it's too early, there are many things I like and respect about you (blah blah), but if you're just fooling around, go fool around somewhere else please.

It's time in this relationship that you get those cards out on the table.  My opinion anyway.  

In fact, re-reading, you can just say this:

As a boyfriend, he was wonderful...but yeah if we got back together, I definitely don't wanna be tossed aside the next time the going gets rough for him.

That's pretty much it, isn't it.  

If you sincerely want to give the relationship a try, guard your tongue.  No name calling, lots of "I" messages, i.e., when you do XXXX, I feel.  It's kind of like this - you tell him your upset with his behavior and ask if he cares.  Watch the "anger quotient," keeping in ming that anger is a good way of knowing what you want, and not a good way of getting it.  Every married couple has something similar to this that needs to worked through, and it goes on.  It's a process.  

Be prepared that he doesn't care.  I hope that's not the case.

You may also wish to say, if he does care and wants to reform, that his words are nice, and you will be looking to see if the actions back it up.  Understand that the onus is now on him to prove himself.  That's just the way it is, and the price the person pays who goofs up.  

Think of it this way.  If you one time hit your dog, the dog is going to fear you and back off when you come close to pet him.  It is then up to YOU to win this dog back.  

Goodluck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION:
Sounds like a good idea. Have you ever seen a relationship that was initially like this work out if both partners worked at it?

Also, the ironic thing is - when he wants me back, I might be the busy one with exams and won't have any time for him. Life is ironic.

Answer
Yes I've seen some ones similar to this work out.  You have to get your head on straight when/if he does come back, and hold out for what you want.  We can all learn lessons (some of us the hard way), and can change behaviors.

Re: the last, consider what you're saying in that last statement.  You two ought to be able to understand this "busyness" and find a way around it.  It will be a constant in life!  HOWEVER, for you to write it that way, sounds almost like a "tit for tat" and that is something that does NOT work in a relationship.  Make sure you're aren't being vindictive.

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc