Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/12/2008

Question
Dr. Neder,
I am 31 years old and have never really felt anything for any of the women I have dated. I have dated fairly regularly since I was 18, at least around 25-30 different women. In most of the relationships I've been physically attracted to them, we've shared things in common, and I respected them, but I've never felt like I wanted to spend my life with any of them. About four of the relationships lasted around a year or longer, and many lasted more than a few months but I was basically just going through the motions even in the long-term ones. In truth, I've never really felt much for anyone except my parents. I've stayed faithful in my romantic relationships and have tried to be happy, but can never quite seem to stop thinking that there is someone else, a "ms. right" with whom I would be truly happy. This only makes matters worse because find myself looking at every good-looking girl that walks by and thinking maybe I am missing that opportunity to be in "love". I ask because I have been dating a girl for five months now. She's the most attractive and smartest woman I have dated, and she really loves me, but again I really don't feel anything for her. The relationship is at a point where I need to make a committment or break it off. In the past, I would have moved on no problem, but now I find myself getting older. I want my kids to be able to brag about what dad does at work, not that he's got tons of freetime because he's retired. I guess guys have a biological clock as well.

Anyway, 1) should I settle for a good woman whom I don't "love" or is it just asking for problems down the road? 2) What's wrong with me? Am I chasing a dream and so will never "feel" like someone is "ms. right"? Is my problem common?

I understand that the situation is probably something needing a bit more counseling that a quick email response, but I'd appreciate any suggestions. Feel free to reply, "Man, you're messed up!" if that's the case.

Answer
Hello Joseph!

Man, you're not messed up at all - you're just a little misdirected.

Yes, you could do very well with some counciling sessions in order to be sure there's no emotional reason why you're not letting yourself get to the love part.

With that said however, it's entirely possible you're going after the wrong girls. Let me explain.

As men, we have a viceral reaction to go after women that appeal to us visually. As you said, the girl you're with is the most beautiful and smartest of the girls you've dated. The problem is that is that these girls don't appeal to you emotionally. Thus, the looks and smarts aren't what you need - they are only what you think you want.

On the other hand, there are girls that may not be beauty queens, but that will knock your socks off in other ways. Certainly in bed, but more importantly in other ways. You'll constantly be impressed by these girls because they fulfill the things that you need deep-down.

There comes a point where you are more concerned with her well-being, comfort, safety and happiness than you are your own. You'll try to imagine what life would be like without her - and you won't be able to. This is where love begins - but not where it ends.

What's happening now is that you're getting used to your girlfriend's looks and you are starting to realize that she doesn't offer you the other things you need. The other problem is that you don't know what you need! You've probably never really sat down to think about it.

I suggest you read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". (see my website: http://beingaman.com) You're going to find some extensive exercises in these books that will help you clearly and specifically define what it is that you need emotionally - as well as physically, intellectually, etc., in order to get this definition in place. It'll also help you with something you're probably not that good at yet: communication skills.

The reason why this is so important is two-fold. First, is to help you build connection, rapport and attraction quickly in any woman you want to know better. The second, more important aspect is to help you get to her inner-core and get past the outter things. You need to do this in order to find out how she'll fit you emotionally. When you find someone that fits these goals, you're also finding someone that you can actually fall in love with.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"