Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/1/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dr. Neder. I have kind of a tough situation on my hands. My best friend and I have been best friends since the 3rd grade, and we are now 18 and freshmen in college. I met his sister around the end of junior year in high school and since then I have matured quite a bit and now his sister and I a very good friends too. However, recently I've found that I'm becoming more and more attracted to his sister because she is so much more mature, selfless and intelligent than any of the girls I've dated. Every previous girlfriend has been my age and I just don't like their maturity level. And therein lies the problem. She is 23 years old when I am only 18. This is disappointing because her and I have talked so many times about our past relationships and family matters or whatever we want and we share so many opinions on so many different subjects, but I'm afraid that the age difference would leave her feeling awkward to her friends and family . On the other hand she has accepted an invitation to come to a concert with me, just a few nights ago stayed up and talked to me on the phone from midnight until 4 a.m., then after the phone call she let me come pick her up and take her to Perkins at 5 a.m.! I recently asked her that if I was her age would she date me? She said yes and that she wished I was 6 years older. My father was graduating high school when my step-mother was going into 2nd grade, and now that they've grown older the age difference doesn't seem to be an issue. My best friend has made it clear that he doesn't mind me hanging out with his sister so I'm not really worried there. But she is so much different than any girl I've ever known and I wonder why the age difference presents such a problem when your younger like we are. I'm only 18 and I'm sure my understanding of "love" isn't completely there yet, but I can't help but think that I could love her, show her a good time, and be more mature than some stupid number says I am. Is this a possibility or is 6 years just too much?

ANSWER: Hello Colin!

Age is simply a number. It's not the age that's the issue here at all, it's the perception - hers in particular.

This is a little off-topic, but I'll share it with you simply for perspective. The reality is that women want to date someone they perceive as having more power than they do. Why is this important? It's because when you're young, age has a lot to do with that perception of power. Interestingly, as you get older, that perception fades.

It would be far easier if she were 33 and you were 28 than it is right now. That doesn't mean that everything is lost however. You can present that image of power and wipe out the problem of the age difference.

Here's what you do: First, really get that problem handled in your own mind. Stop thinking of age here. Start thinking of how you're bigger, stronger and more mature than she is. These are all power representations, right? Use them to your advantage.

When you take her to the concert, tell her that you've decided that the age issue is a non-issue. Notice the power you're presenting with that little statement? "YOU'VE decided." That means that she doesn't have to worry about it. See how that works?

Tell her that you've decided you are going to start seeing her differently. She's no longer your best friend's "little sister" (use those exact words) and that you want to see where things go. Notice how this is all about you here? You're taking control here and setting direction with your words. Of course, you have to back that up with attitude too.

Colin, when I was your age I was dating women in their 20's and 30's. I even lived with a woman in her early 30's for 4 years! As I've said before, age is simply a number. Don't give it any more weight than it needs. This isn't a problem any further than you allow it to be.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I can definitely see your point. Could you expand on the backing it up with attitude part? What sorts of things should I do to really prove to her that I am in control and just bottom line get her to feel the same way about me? And any recommendations for a "Plan B"? Let's say that she still doesn't think it would be right to date someone so young even after I take those actions. Because I don't want to settle for that but at the same time I don't want her to think, "God I wish you would just leave it alone! It's not going to happen so stop bugging me!" and lose the friendship I have with her either!

ANSWER: Hello again Colin!

The biggest, best thing you can do to show her you're in control is to BE in control. There isn't some magic spell or specific words, etc. that you can memorize. You simply want to BE that person.

We guys have few enough "rights" in relationships, but one that we do have is that we get to direct it. In fact, that is not only your right, it's your responsibility. Taking the lead here and telling her what you want, what you expect and then just expecting her to do that is how you show this power, control and dominance. The interesting thing is that while most women will read or hear that and say, "Oh, I'd never tolerate that!" when in reality, they crave it and respond extremely well to it!

If she tells you she doesn't think it will work out, your answer to to go back to being direct about where you want thing to go. Just say, "I understand your fears" (always acknowledge the resistance) "but it's not going to be a problem for us. Just trust me and you'll see."

You're not "bugging her" here at all. You're simply setting the path and allowing her to take it. That's a pretty different attitude don't you think?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello! Thanks so much for your advice! Just one more question! As you know Valentine's day is approaching fast and I want to do more than the flowers and chocolates routine (cute but unoriginal). Preferably something that no one has done for her before as far as Valentine's day is concerned. I was wondering if I could get some suggestions from you on good idea's that will impress. A few lower cost idea's and a few idea's that could possibly cost some money? You have been a such a great help! Can't  thank you enough sir!

Answer
Hey Colin!

First of all, stay away from high-cost V-Day alternatives. You're not trying to buy her and your fledgling relationship doesn't warrant something so extravagant. Be simple about it, but make it heart-felt. That's MUCH more impressive!

Here's what I suggest. Tell her that you don't subscribe to the mall's idea of Valentine's Day just because they market like crazy. Instead, tell her that you want to celebrate being together the day BEFORE V-Day. That will make is special and unique just between you two (and trust me, it will!) Plan to go out and have dinner together the day before (and to give her call on V-Day, that's important too) and make that your own, special V-Day.

As for a gift, I suggest you make a card - don't buy one. Just write something relatively simple in it, but again, make it heart-felt. Don't talk about drippy love or cite poetry or anything so obvious. Instead, say something like how glad you are that friendship brought you together, but you're becoming something much more. This is a case where innuendo will go a long way.

One other thing you can do - if you can find some inexpensive piece of jewelry that you BOTH can wear - something like a unisex necklace or wristband or something that only you two know the significance, that will be incredibly special to her.

The bottom line is to keep it simple and unique.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"