Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/30/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I'm Phil (19). I’ve never had a girlfriend but it’s something I really want and I have very limited experience in anything social as I suffer from social anxiety. My social anxiety has almost been eliminated over Christmas. The course is a year and is almost half way through. It’s taken a while but I get along really well with every at college, but I’ve become really good friends with one girl in particular. As the first term went by, I found we had loads in common and our personalities were very similar. I think see knew I liked her and I was going to ask to meet up, with her, until I found out she had started seeing her ex (of a year). So I told her that I hadn't been attracted to her for very long and that us being friends is fine. It’s been a month since then. However, as my anxiety has greatly reduced over Xmas, we are getting along even better now and we are becoming closer each day. So now I’m even more attracted to her than before. She told me that her boyfriend doesn’t get out much and hasn’t got many friends, so they got back together when his dad became ill and she went to comfort him. She also told me that she’s mainly in the relationship for the sex and the reason they broke up last time is because he was "very controlling". Some of the things I’ve asked her about, she hasn’t even told her close friends. I don’t want to be in a position where she only sees me as a friend.
Thanks for reading.
Phil

ANSWER: Hello Phil!

No, you being friends is NOT fine!

Phil, I'm glad you're dealing with your social anxiety, but you still have a ton to learn. You never, EVER want to become a girl's friend if you're interested in her!

Let's start with this: go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the video on "Friends" under BAM TV. Go do it now before you read any further.

Ok, did you watch it? Now you know why you're probably just screwed yourself. As it says in the video, women don't date their friends.

You have a choice to make here. Do you want to keep her as a friend and continue this torment of do you want something more with her, are willing to try to get it and at the same time forget the friendship?

If you don't want to lose her as a friend, just do nothing. You don't even need to read the rest of this letter. Just continue on the way you're going and forget everything else.

If you want more with her, you're going to have to stop being the friend and START being someone she can date. The problem is that you've dug yourself one hell of a deep hole here! The chances of you crawling out of it are extremely remote.

Think about this for a moment: you've been friends with this girl for a month. How has that worked out? You've become even more attached to her, and she's just using you as her buddy to stroke her own ego! She has absolutely NO motivation to change things with you - NONE.

If you really want to change things, (and if we're being honest here Phil, I don't think you're do), then go to my website again and click on Self Help. There, you'll find my FAQ's. Read the information about friends and pay particular attention to the articles. They'll tell you what you need to do.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: i think i gave a poor description of what's going on.
we aren't that close friends, we don't even meet up outside college, and we take the piss out of each other when we are at college (in a flirty way). she has other girl-friends at college that she talks to more, who i'm friends with aswell.

i think we probably would be going out if she was single, cos i think we've got a spark and others on the course have seen it.

but i'm worried that WE ARE becoming close friends, so if she does break up with her boyfriend (who sounds completely wrong for her and everyone else she talks to says it), she won't want to go out with me cos we're friends. (i really do want to be with her and I'm not bothered about friendship).

she doesn't normally tell me close, personal things about herself, i asked her about her boyfriend to see how serious they were.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO IN THE MEAN TIME WHILE SHE IS SEEING HER BOYFRIEND? she wouldn't cheat on him and when we are getting closer, she usually starts to avoid me.

the video u showed me wasn't much help, as it mainly applies for a girl friend who is single.

Thanks again for reading.
Phil.

Answer
Hello again Phil!

If she were single you were going out then you should be going out right now. The fact that she tells you these close, personal things is a VERY bad sign. It means that you ARE her "friend". She feels no threat from you.

Here's the reality Phil, you're just waiting around for things to change for her rather than making that change happen. If this were me, I'd have set up a date with her a long time ago. Women are very willing to "date up" but you have to take them there. Further, she'd be willing to cheat on her boyfriend without hesitation especially if she believed that that guy was her soul mate.

Think about this for a minute. If you were Brad Pitt, do you really think that she'd hesitate to go out with you on a date? Of course not! Further, Brad wouldn't be waiting around for her to clean up things with a boyfriend she's not as interested in.

I suggest you go watch that video again as it applies 100% to your situation!

So what's keeping you from asking her out - really? You're using the boyfriend as an excuse. If YOU actually believed that you were so much a better choice than this other guy, why would you be waiting around? Answer: you wouldn't be.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"