Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/16/2008

Question
QUESTION: i like this popular girl and im not so popular (im in 8th grade so its a big deal) she is the girl i want to spend the rest of my life with,what do i do?

ANSWER: Hello Brian!

First of all, get over yourself. You don't really even know this girl. All you know is her outward self - not who she really is. Saying (and believing) things like you "...want to spend the rest of your life with her..." just takes all your power away.

Here's the deal: you have a chance with this girl, but not if you're going to give her all your power. By thinking these things you're also telling yourself that you HAVE to have her. No, you don't have to have her and you've got to get that through your head. You really don't know this girl at all - she's probably VERY different than you've built her up to be. Trust me on this.

Until you can see her clearly, you're always going to have problems trying to approach her. Girls (both in school and later on) want to "date up". That is, they want to be with someone they view as more powerful than they are. When you give away all your power to her, what do you have left? Answer: nothing. She'll pick up on it right away and you'll blow any chance you'll ever have with her.

That's why it's so important to NOT see her this way! Do you understand?

Here's the one major advantage you have: you're not that popular. I know that doesn't seem like an advantage, but it is. Here's why: that makes you more mysterious. It makes you someone SHE has to get to know rather than the other way around. If you play this cool, she may start coming after you and wouldn't that be a much better way to go? Of course!

What you need to do (besides clearing you head of these dumb ideas of "having to have her") is to break the ice. That means you're going to have to say hello to her.

I can't give you a speech that will work, but what I can do is give you the key to breaking this ice: context. Think about this: what do you and she have in common? It might be a class or some activity you both are involved with. It might be church or even friends. All you need is one of these - and it can be anything.

That is your reason to approach her. You can just walk up to her and say, "Hey there. We're both in Mr. Adam's class. I'm Brian." Then, put your hand out to shake hers. She'll give you her name and you can say "Nice to meet you." You can even then ask her what she likes most about the class or anything else that gets her talking. For more on this go to my website (http://beingaman.com), click on "Self Help" and read my FAQ's. The articles there will explain "open-ended questions".

You want to break this off just a little too early by saying, "Well, it was nice to meet you. I'll catch you later." Then, turn and walk away. If you leave this early, you also leave her wondering about you.

This is how you get started. When you see her again in class or in the hallway, you can say "hi". Later on, you can go back and say, "Hey, it was nice talking to you the other day. Give me your phone number and I'll call you sometime to do it again."

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION, I ASKED THIS OTHER GUY THIS. I LIKE THIS GIRL AND I THINK SHE LIKES ME. HE TOLD ME TO TALK TO HER FRIENDS TO SEE IF SHE LIKES ME. WHAT DO U THINK? DR.?

Answer
Hello again Brian!

That's a pretty dumb idea. Who do you think her friend's are loyal to - you or her? Here's what'll happen: they'll tell you anything they want to tell you - truth or not - and they'll simply go running back to her to tell her how you feel.

Then, you're going to look like a coward for approaching them instead of her!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"