Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/31/2008

Question
Hello, I have a similar story as Tony. You see there is this girl I really liked in High School and never acted upon those feling then, Because we were friends and I didnt want to chance our frienship.

Well our schools got rezoned during summer and that was the last time I saw her in 4 years. Well, call me sappy but I believe in fate. So about a year ago I had a dream of her, of us together out of nowhere. and I noticed I still cared for her. and I dont like to throw this word out. But I actually believe it is love.

well, about a week ago I found her over the internet, I told her I had feeling for, and as much as I wanted to tell her in person, I couldnt cause I am serving in the Army and currently in Iraq. So I had to tell her over my messenger.

well she told me she had similar feeling, well the next day she wrote me a letter, and she told me she wasnt sure because her Ex, which was one of my better friend in High School Proposed to her. but she asked him for some time. this would be the second time he has, the first time he cheated on her.

so I decided to fight for my second chance and asked her to not marry him. that I wanted to be with her. and now she is confused and not sure what she is going to do.

So how do I keep fighting for her. cause I have been waiting for this Opportunity for 4 years. but its hard to fight for someone you cant fight for in person so what do I do? I already bought my ticket to see her for X-mas. before she told me he proposed.

Answer
Hello Daniel!

Let's be clear about the realities here: you liked this girl in high school and the friendship wasn't the issue. You were just a coward and were afraid of moving things forward like you should have then. The friendship wasn't the problem at all. You'd have easily exchanged the friendship for what you really wanted if you believed you could have had it.

More reality: you're long, long-distance. You can NEVER build something that way! Even if you put something together over x-mas, you're going to go back to Iraq and sit around wondering if she's thinking about seeing the other guy all the time. What's that going to do to you? Further, depending on how long your deployment is, do you really think she's going to put her life on hold based on this nebulous attraction she had for you back in high school?

If she's not absolutely sure that she wants to marry this other guy - if there's even a hint of question in her mind - she needs to NOT marry him. That's not a good foundation to build a marriage on!

Daniel, look, I wish there were better answers here. I wish that these realities weren't the case. The problem is that I don't deal in wishes and dreams. Sure, there's a chance you might put something together, but at what cost? When you come home, it's a totally different thing. Then you'd have real choices - and chances.

What I suggest is that you use your time back home to get with her and bang each other stupid, but don't fall for the old belief that everything will be perfect afterward, it won't. Further, you need to understand that she's not the same girl she was 4 years ago. That's going to change some things for you too.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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