Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/19/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hey there Dr. Neder! I have a question for you that seems simple enough, but requires a complex answer.

First a short background to get this rolling in the right direction. I'm a college guy and I just finished chasing who I thought was the girl of my dreams for almost a year. About a month ago I finally realized that it was a mistake for me to put so much time and effort into this action that I could have directed toward something more productive. I've accepted that it won't happen and I'm content with this notion, but I'm ready to date. It's less loneliness and more that I want to fill that part of my life.

I've looked through endless bits of information and talked to friends and relatives. It seems fitting to ask the question directly to an expert in the field in order to better develop and idea of where to go from here.

The question is: How to I stand out from the crowd? In more detail, I want to look confident when I enter a room and perpetuate this. I've tried improving my posture and smiling when I enter a room, but I feel like I'm coming off pompous rather than confident. Furthermore, I tend to mumble when I get nervous. Women make me nervous, unfortunately.

The best thing I can really ask for are some tips or techniques that I can practice to improve my skills in approaching, conversing, and (ultimately) impressing women. I feel like all the good parts of me are overshadowed by my self-conscious effort to try and be confident. Am I my own worst enemy here?

Sorry if this was a bit scatter-brained, and thanks for your time!

-Nick

ANSWER: Hello Nick!

I'm very glad you've come to your senses with this chase. An entire year is a hell of a long time to waste getting nowhere. Now that you've learned what doesn't work, let's start working on what does.

Let's begin by addressing this "standing out from the crowd" notion. Unfortunately, it comes from the same mistaken place that the belief you have to chase a woman comes from.

If we drill down to the real meaning in your question, what you're asking is how to make women attracted to you from just your confidence. Another form of this question is "how do I impress a woman?"

Going a step further, what you're really asking is how to make women do your work for you so that you don't have to do anything and the women take all the risks.

When you get down that deeply, you begin to realize how ridiculous that question really is. In fact, women know it's your job to move things forward - not theirs. You can't off-load that responsibility even if you have incredible confidence ("game"). It's always been and will always be your job - not theirs - and women know this. In fact, the notion that women will swoon for any man is a total and complete fallacy. Trust me. The belief itself flies in the fact of millions of years of biological wiring.

What you really want (and need) to learn is how to build attraction. However, the answer as you've said is rather more than I can describe to you via one or even one hundred emails, but then, I don't have to.

Yes, confidence is important, but you have to start by understanding that you never become "confident". You learn instead to corral confidence and use it when you need it. You learn to turn it on and off to your advantage, but then, even this doesn't get women to do your work for you, it only makes it easier for you to work your magic!

Go back and re-read that paragraph until it really sinks in. That is the the first key.

The next key is understanding that you have to learn how to properly approach women. Yes, there is a system to this and your game begins from the very instant you walk into the room - not to impress women, but to set things up right from the start so that you can do all the other things you need in order to get what you want.

Many, many uneducated guys believe that you can deliver a line or pull some stunt (like the scene in "Top Gun") and that's how it works; that it goes right from the opening directly to attraction. No, that does NOT work! Instead, you have to approach, break the ice, build rapport and connection, create a sense of security and trust and close strongly for what you want. This is how it always works with any woman in any situation. The situation may change, but the steps never do.

I strongly urge you to begin building all of these skills. To learn them, you'll find everything you need to know in my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". These neat little packages will take you right from your current misunderstandings about women to your "female Ph.D".

If you really want to know how to build attraction in women, you need to start by changing many of your current, mistaken beliefs - not just build confidence. Confidence isn't the key, it's only a step along the path to the door.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Dr. Neder! That makes a great deal of sense now. Yet, it still brings up a question that gets at me the most and causes the most issues for me when approaching a woman. How much does physical appearance effect the process you described in talking with women? I know I'm not terribly bad looking, but also that I'm not in the upper echelon of attractive men. I'm a tad on the skinny side and a bit pale (I'm in school for rocket science, so it beats me up a little haha). I do my best to make up for it with a great sense of humor and outward empathy toward others.
Is there a way to make the first move without resorting to "pick-up lines" or other cheesy ice breakers? Like you said, they're not going to come to me simply because I enter a room with good posture.

Answer
Hello again Nick!

Frankly, physical appearance doesn't do very much for you. Certainly not as much as most men believe.

We've all heard that women want someone that is physically attractive. No surprise there. However, that's not the question to be asking. Instead, when women are asked to rank the MOST important attributes, looks comes down around 7th or 8th! Many women simply don't care much how a man looks. It's your behavior and attitude that mean the most.

In fact, the #1 and #2 items you've already hit on: confidence and sense of humor.

Absolutely there's a way to make the first move ("open" or "approach") without a pick-up line. It's called "context". Check my website for details on this.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"