Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/13/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello. My name is Paul.
I have known this girl for a few weeks now and she really is a beautiful girl
and definitely makes me feel tingly inside. I feel that she matches the exact
profile of what my ideal girlfriend would be like.

The problem is she has a boyfriend, and he gave her a promise ring. Now I
know that when a girl has a boyfriend that the sensible thing to do is leave
her alone, and when there's a ring involved, you don't even think about it.  
But I guess that just serves as greater proof that this girl is someone really
special.  I've never been attracted to girl that already had a boyfriend, let
alone one with a promise ring.
I talk to her almost everyday, and I have her phone number but I'm not sure
I'm doing anything more than building a friendship.  I can't say that her
boyfriend is a bad guy, because I don't even know him.  Yet, I'm extremely
confident that I could be a much better boyfriend than him.

We hug and stuff, and we hang out a little, but when he's around she won't
pay me as much attention, but that is to  be expected.  However, I was
surprised to see that she always remembers to call me when she wants to
hang out, even when her boyfriend is around.

I'm not sure what to do. I first thought that I should just be her friend until
they break up, but I know that will shoot down my chances, because I don't
want her to only ever see me just as a friend. I've never put myself in any
situation like this before, so I really could use a little guidance.

Paul


ANSWER: Hello Paul!

Let's be clear on this: you ARE building a friendship - and absolutely ruining any chance you may have of something more with this girl.

KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF!!!

Paul, by talking to this girl all the time, you're insuring that you're too weak to actually go for what you want. This girl is going to start seeing you like she sees her brother and when that happens (if it hasn't happened already), you're never, ever going to be anything else to her. Girls don't date their brothers - or male friends - EVER!!!

Sure she calls you when she wants to hang out. What you don't understand is that she's actually using you. It's extremely likely that she knows exactly what you want, but as long as she has the boyfriend you're "safe" and she can get all the male attention from you that she needs. Even when her boyfriend stops giving it to her (which he'll likely eventually do) then she'll come running to you to get it - and that's all you'll ever have.

The real problem here is that you've come to me far too late. If you had come to me when this first happened, I'd have directed you to what would have worked. The problem is that you've already become the friend and your chances now are probably zero.

There's some great information on my websites (http://beingaman.com and http://beingaman.tv) on how to deal with "friends". But I deal in realities. You have a 95% chance of never being anything else with this girl now and only a 5% chance of something more. That is the reality and it's a wasted bet. Go check out those resources and see if you're really willing to do what it takes to only have that 5% chance. If not (and I don't suggest you do it) then, I have another solution for you.

If this girl is really your "friend", then why not use her to help you meet some other girls? This is the greatest thing that a female friend can do for you!

Here's how:

When you and she are "hanging out" (which by the way, is going to end eventually - her boyfriend is never going to tolerate her seeing other guys even if they ARE "friends"), and you see a girl you'd like to meet, as your "friend" to help you meet her. She becomes the "wing-babe". It works like this:

She walks up to the girl you'd like to meet and says, "Hey there. I'm [her name]. Are you married?" Of course the girl isn't and says "no". Then she says, "I know the incredible guy that you'd probably really like. If I weren't promised to someone else, I'd be dating him, but he's such a great guy that I want someone else to benefit. Can I introduce him to you?" Then, without waiting, she comes over and brings you over to meet the new girl.

Ka-ching!!

This is a really powerful tool because you have instant "social proof" - another girl is actually recommending you! That has huge weight with women! Now you can work your magic on the new girl (or girls!) and get over this "friendship".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I was a little vague and misleading...

We do not "hang out" everyday, as a matter of a fact, throughout this whole
ordeal, I have probably been with her on an out of class basis, only around 3
times (this ordeal has been going on for only a week).  Furthermore, all these
3 times we've "hung out," we've never been alone, there's always been a
group of people around us.

...oh yeah, and up until recently (one day ago), I was actually in a relationship
with another girl, of which she was aware.  I don't think however, that she's
aware of my breakup.

Answer
Hello again Paul!

I never said you did hang out everyday - all it takes is once. That's what friends do.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"