Expert: Alex Strandberg - 11/5/2008

Question
Hi I have a problem I am in school and want badly a girl whom I will refer to as the girl. She is very pretty, very smart, class president and recently won first place in a cross country race and is going to states. You see I really have to get going before she gets to a grade in which she can be taken by older more worthy men. I know I like a hard one to catch but she really is worth it I tell you (gorgeous).
Anyway I will mention a few things one she brought me cookies on my birthday this year specially for me maybe she wants attention? hmmn and two a classmate tells me last year she told him that she liked me not jokingly! Really! But is he honest? Is he trying to embarrass me? Please if critisism is needed don't hesitate I need anything I can get she also was overheard saying she thinks I act strange around her and that I have been dressing nice lately. Is her radar on because she likes me, I can't tell but I hope so. Thanks  

Answer
Hey the man,

Listen to the words you use "want badly a girl". Badly wanting something is the same as being desperate for it. The more desperate you are to get a girl the worse off your situation will be.

If you hadn't guessed desperation is not exactly an attractive quality for a man to have. Most girls have tons of experience dealing with desperate men and they run from it. They can almost smell a mans desperation on him and kills ALL attraction.

"more worthy men" is another phrase that struck me. Those words state that other men are more worthy but also that you are un-worthy of her. This statement reeks of low self esteem.

You are putting her up on this untouchable goddess pedestal. You are hoping to get lucky that she will step down and slum it a little bit with you. I know shes this "gorgeous", track star, class president that is amazing but the truth is she is not better than you. She does not carry more value than you do.

You need to understand that on a deep level or you will screw up any chance you have with this girl.

What makes you desperate for this girl is your feeling like you are not enough. Not enough means that you feel like you lack something to feel complete and naturally attractive. Whenever you feel like you lack looks, smarts, charm whatever it is, you feel like you are not enough.

"I am enough" repeat that affirmation over and over any time a thought pops into your head that she is too good for you. At first it will feel like you are lying to yourself. Over time the affirmation will set in and your self esteem and confidence will grow.

As for her liking you or not, it won't make a difference till you get your self esteem under control. If she does in fact like you but your self esteem is too low the attraction she feels will quickly go away.

Cheers
Alex