Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/18/2008

Question
Hi Dennis,

I apologize in advance for the length of this question.

I am a 21 year old university student, and the girl in question is a 19 and is in the same course as me.

It all started about 8 months ago at the start of the first year (I am in the Southern Hemisphere). I had this instant attraction to this girl, we constantly made eye contact in class, and when we spoke to one another for the first few times we both were nervous and it seemed as though we had a mutual attraction.

I got her number, and one we met up at this bar, and it was on, we couldn't stop kissing each other and we were very affectionate.

From this moment onwards we kept on "hooking up" whenever our class had an event, which was about every two or three weeks. She would constantly send me text messages and I always answered them but rarely initiated them. We both understood one anothers sense of humor, and I felt more relaxed with her than anyone I have probably ever met.

This went of for about 4 or 5 months. The texting, the chatting online, and the occasional kiss when we out. By this point I had just come out of a one and a half year relationship, so I was scared that it was getting a bit too serious. I started to let go a little bit, and I started confronting her and telling her that I couldn't see us as a couple (even though she never mentioned anything about a relationship) and I was blatantly lying between my teeth, because the truth is I had strong feelings for her all along. I then started to get a bit of the cold shoulder from her, she wasn't writing me text messages, and when we spoke she was very monotonal. Whenever I was drunk I would always end up calling her and telling her that I just wanted to be friends, or that we couldn't be together, the only reason I was saying this is because I was playing the game she was playing with me.

We kept on not speaking to one another for a couple of weeks at a time, and we would just wait for one another to crack, I guess we were both playing the game. By this point I think it was obvious that I cared for her, and really liked her and she knew it. So I would not speak to her, playing the game, and then she would casually chat to me on facebook or send me an innocent message, and I would reply instantly, and then the cycle would begin once again.

It has been about 3 or 4 months since we last kissed, and we are not really speaking to one another, well apart from about 2 weeks ago when I gave her this note written on a piece of a beer box, which said that I want to be friends, but then I sent her another one telling her that I thought she was sexy. I know that she now knows that I am really into her, and since we have been playing that cold hot "game" with one another, I think I have lost all my chances. I am now under the impression that she doesn't like me at all, even though I know that she definitely liked me in the past. The last contact we had was a message from her apologizing for telling me to "fuck off", because the night I walked straight passed her while she was standing in line to get into a club, which I had a VIP pass for.


I am now head over heels for her, and I can't stop thinking about her, it is quite painful indeed. It is now the uni holidays and I am only going to see her at social gatherings, but I dont know where to take it from here, what should I do to once again get her to like me. I really want her to know how I really feel about her, and that I would love a relationship with her, but I am scared that may drive her further away.


Well I am really sorry for dragging that out, but it is a complicated situation and I guess you need to know the facts before diagnosing me.


I sincerely thank you in advance.


Kind regards,


Jack


Answer
Hello Jack!

Why should I help you here? Just so that you can continue to abuse this girl? Be absolutely clear here - you are an abuser, Jack. This is unhealthy as it comes and frankly, you've continued to play with this girls feelings going from hot to cold and you make all sorts of excuses for it:

* I was drunk
* She was doing it too
* I didn't want her to know I was attracted to her

...etc.

Jack, until you can convince me that you're a better man than this, I'm not going to help you do even more damage to her. Maybe a little pain on your part is exactly what you need to grow up.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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