Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/18/2008

Question
QUESTION: Ok to start out my ex and i had been together just over 5 years, lived together almost 4 and have a 3 year old daughter. This girl means more to me than i ever imagined i could. when we got together, it was just about casual sex but we fell hard for each other and were  after that until she got pregnant. At this point she cheated on me with my best friend during and right after the pregnancy. i found out about it and did forgive her and our relationship reached new heights. So recently she goes back to work after having about a year with out work. Well it seems around this time we start to drift apart. i assumed it was just the stress but was always there for her. Next about 2 weeks ago, i started the conversation of how we don't seem as close as once. She agrees with me and eventually says she is no longer in love with me but still loves me and wants to remain best friends. She tells me she isn't interested in other guys right now but that she no longer knows her self and doesn't feel like the same person anymore. at first she just wanted time apart but now she says she doesn't think we should think about the relationship anymore. I know we are still young (19 & 20) but i really feel like i lost my soul mate. plus she has always been the one person i can talk to about anything and i thought had my back through it all. should i just let her go and be friends, and be there for our daughter? I dont know what to do here, i just feel lost. i really had my heart set on doing the right thing for her and our daughter and raising her the way i wish i could've had a family with my girl by my side. please shed some light on my situation. thank you for your time.

ANSWER: Hello Jesse!

Your letter really pisses me off. Here you two know-it-all's decide to bring a child into this world and aren't even married? Is that really all you think of your kid?

You two are supposed to be the "adults" here but you're acting like absolute children - and you're supposed to raise another child? How's that ever going to happen?

Here's the reality Jesse - to hell with whatever you or she "wants". That's over. You had your chances to "find yourselves" and grow and have fun before you started making little xerox copies of yourselves. Now you need to grow the hell up (and quickly) and do whatever it is you need to do to stay together to raise the child.

I'm absolutely disgusted by both of your attitudes here. Sure she doesn't know herself! She no longer has that time because of her selfish attitude about being old and smart enough to have a kid in the first place. She sees all her childless friends moving on and having fun with their youth. I know exactly why she feels the way she does. The problem is that she's too selfish to realize that she can't have that any more - at least, not for many years.

NO, you shouldn't accept being her "friend". You and she need to sit down, work out your "issues" and start focusing exclusively on that 3-year old.

You tell her; or better, show her, what I've said here. Since your parents don't seem to have any more sense that your kid's do, let me step in and do some parenting:

You've taken the easy path all along - and trust me, deciding to have the kid, especially considering the circumstance you're in IS the easy path. Now you need to do the hard work to fix - or simply put up with - whatever it takes to stay a family and build a life for your daughter. She didn't ask to be born and brought into all of this - you made that decision for her. What's an absolute reality is this: she's going to grow up with all sorts of likely social-adaptation issues later on in life if her parents split up.

Your choices, best interests, dreams, etc., are no longer important. Your child's is. Focus on what's important here and do whatever it takes to MAKE SURE she gets them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: ok i don't usually get offended by stuff on line but my daughter is not the issue here. her mother and i love her and always put her first that isn't part of my question. it really hurts me that you have no idea how good or bad im doing raising her but automatically make it seem like im a horrible parent. yes having her so young wasn't the best thing i ever did, but atleast i stood up and did what i had to do and put her first in my life. i would do anything for her. look at all the people out there who get women pregnant and run off when they find out and most of them are older than me. and don't make this about parents, i didn't have a dad growing up but do you really think my mom wanted or approved of this. my question was about my girl friend and i. the only reason i brought up my daughter was to help you understand my situation because i thought i would get real advise, not some "doctor" telling me im an idiot over the computer. if you can give real advise, i would love to hear it but i don't see you over looking your opinion of me long enough to treat me with the respect you do the others who ask you questions. thanks

Answer
Hello again Jesse!

Yes, and that's exactly the problem! You aren't making your 3-year-old the issue! You can't POSSIBLY put her first when you're not working through your own issues for her benefit! The mother deciding that you should just be "friends" is a huge, glaring example of this!

I don't have to know how good or bad your parenting is. Your relationship priorities suck and that tells me exactly where your head is. You two need to get your priorities right and work out your issues - if even just to agree to put up with each other - for your daughter's sake.

Some reality first:

You and your girlfriend are supposed to be the "adults" here. You aren't acting like it - you're so focused on the petty issues you both have and forgetting that none of that is important right now - and won't be until your daughter is grown up.

By not doing EVERYTHING you have to in order to raise that kid as a team (regardless of who is the bad guy here), you're ignoring your parenting responsibilities.

Yes, it's great that you didn't bolt (as the father), but that's not as unique as the media would have you believe. In fact, it's the MOTHER that is 72% most likely to end the relationship - not the father. Of course, if it where that important to you, you'd have married this girl before you and she got pregnant. Somehow that didn't seem to enter the equasion!

At this point, your happiness isn't the critical issue. That means, you should work out whatever you have to in order to become a family again. That is what you owe your daughter. If you happen to find happiness through that, then good on you, but that's not the goal, raising a healthy, happy daughter is the goal.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"