Expert: Alex Strandberg - 11/10/2008

Question
I met 2 girls from Italy 3 years ago-they are best friends-(I was her their tour guide; we exchanged addresses. I wrote them both very formally and briefly about the tour.One of them wrote back(by coincidence she is my dreamgirl)- then I practically forgot them, but I was attracted to her heavily at first sight. A few months ago(which is now 3 years later), she contacted me via email somehow. We started to chat online everyday for a few weeks about relationships, marriage,blazay blah we made plans for me to visit her in Italy. She sent me photos of her, her family, food she cooked, her in a bikini on the beach,etc. She eventually mentioned some guy in Italy that she likes. I didn't tell her at first how much I liked her, but only joked about it. I said,'If he doesn't choose you, I choose you." But shortly afterward, I told her my intentions- for us to get to know each other. She said, 'I can't tell you anything right now.' 'But what if things don't work out with him? I said. She said, 'I can't tell you anything right now. 'I'm sorry.' I said o.k. and was prepared never to contact her again, to move on. She said that she still wanted to hear from me. I deleted her as one of my contacts. After a week she left me a message asking why I hadn't contacted her and that she hoped it wasn't her fault because it would really displease her. I started back chatting with her thinking I could handle it, but later I stopped responding to her messages because my feelings were growing for her. But everytime I checked my page, there would be a list of messages. I could'nt resist. She's so freaking gorgeous and intelligent, independent, travels often, good job, can cook.... Anyway, recently I asked if she still liked this guy, then I expressed a lot of feelings I have for her. She said the situation was the same. So I said that we could not communicate anymore- not because I was mad but only because I didn't want to be hurt. She said that she chats with a lot of guys and that it does'nt mean anything- only friendship. She told me to decide. About a week after that I sent her a photomessage to say that I was still her friend and that I think about her a lot. No response. A week ago I tried to send her a music file and a brief message. No response. I sent her a message saying that it was unreasonable for me to not communicate with her at all and that I don't want to lose her friendship;that I know there could never be anything serious between us, so she doesn't have to worry if I write her. No response. I don't plan on writing anymore, although I would like to communicate with her. BUT ISN'T IT REALLY POINTLESS? I'm just wasting time, right?

Answer
Hey Dartanian,

Yes, it is a waste of your time but in more ways than one.

1. She does like the guy and probably other guys as well. She doesn't want to tell you that because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

That and if she tells you the truth you might go psychotic on her and become a stalker. I know that's not the case with you but that fear is in the back of most women's minds. If you have known anyone who was stalked then you know it's a real pain to deal with. At times it seems better to lie to the other person than face the possibility of having a stalker on your hands.

2. She lives in Italy. If in fact she wanted a relationship with you it would be long distance. LDR simply don't work. The distance and the temptation to cheat will create a lot of pain and frustration for the both of you.

If you ever feel tempted to get into a LDR again, DON'T. It's best to let the girl go. If you are meant to be with each other in the future...you will be.

Move on and find some local girls to get involved with.

Alex