Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/7/2008

Question
Hi! Thanks for choosing to answer my query. I'll try my best to keep it short, yet detailed.
Beginning of this year I dated this girl a few times but discontinued shortly as I felt I was the only one chasing without much coming from her. She would often not return calls and act busy, etc... n everytime I chose to pull back, she would reach out to me in a sweet manner, perhaps just to get my attention and get chasing her back again. On one date when I kept waiting for her and she didn't turn up as she was with her friends... I called it Quits.... and stopped responding to her calls n texts post that. Thing is I never confronted her bad behaviour, so not sure what she understood from my silence.
Now, over 6 months later we began talking again (as we work at the same office), and decided to meet up. We began dating and this time she appeared to be better behaved. I even kissed her on one date (our first kiss ever). But since I didn't want this thing to crash down like the last time, I decided I wouldn't chase her much. So I began keeping silence, and would chase only when she chases. Despite that, she yet again kept me waiting on our next date and this time I told her - "I would have liked it if you could just inform!". Post that incident we met once for a short while over dinner and even though we were talking etc she didn't appear to be keen on being intimate like holding hands or hugging, forget about our next kiss! I had to ask for a hug, held her hand and kissed her cheek, etc... I felt like a desperate jackass! and I hated the experience. After that she disappeared for a few days and I sent her a text and then gave her a follow up call, telling her I was expecting her response, etc. and after that day (a week ago) I haven't spoken to her. She texted me yesterday asking me how I was and I didn't respond till now.
The reason I came up to you for help is because I am not sure where this is going and I somehow don't like the way this is moving... I want to get this girl but not at the cost of my self respect.

1) Do you think I hurried up in letting her know my interest levels? coz it looks like she hasn't changed much...!! She is still an unreasonable attention seeker! Guess I should have discussed with her what went wrong the last time, to help set the right tone this time around.
2) I plan to tell her that if we really need to have so much of silence between our dates and pretty much start from scratch everytime we dated, then this is not what I want to pursue. What do you advise?
3) I want this thing to work but if I tell her about my interest levels in her, then I am afraid she will NEVER stop her Attention Seeking tactics and I don't want to keep stamping my own ego, for what I desire.
Please Doc help me with a few things I should bear in my mind when I am talking to her or dealing with her, to put an end to her games and really get going in a healthy direction.

Answer
Hello Brann!

Girls? Girls? Are you reading this? I sure hope you are. Those of you female geniuses out there that think that by being aloof you're increasing interest in the guys you date had better get a clue. We in the dating/sex/relationship industry that know better have a word for women like you: "single".

Sorry Brann, I just had to digress there for a minute. The reality is that many women do this stupid shit and then wonder why guys stop calling them. Your message is so on-target that I just had to point it out.

This rude, inconsiderate, ignorant girl is playing you. She's trying to see just how far you'll go, how hard you'll work and how much crap you'll take to get her. She's using you to boost her sagging ego - nothing more. She expects you to put your self respect aside and chase her until SHE decides it's enough. The problem is however, that as soon as she decides this, she's also going to think that she has all the power and control (which she does) and will lose all respect for you because you DID play these games with her!

Yes, I know. It's absolutely stupid and insulting on her part, but welcome to the world of girl-games. There's a video on my website if you'd like to know more about this: http://BeingAMan.tv

On to your questions:

1) Yes, you gave away too much both in word and in deed. No, you shouldn't discuss with her what went wrong. You should have simply told her the rules - that you expect to not have to deal with rude, immature jackasses and if she doesn't respond to your calls or texts, she'll know exactly why she doesn't get any more of them.

2) No, don't do this. Frankly, I'd just kick her to the curb already. She doesn't deserve to have anyone in her life that is considerate, respectful, etc. I'm afraid here's the reality: guys that know these games use girls like this all the time. She's setting herself up for this and has to come to the understanding of what it really is on her own.

3) You're right. Don't tell her that. Instead, you should just move on, but if you don't want to do that, I suggest you be very careful and strategic to make ANY attention you pay this idiot contingent on her doing what you want her to do FIRST. Don't put up with this crap. You must not agree to do ANYTHING for her - pay for meals or dates, take her anywhere, tell her how nice she looks, or ANYTHING unless she FIRST gives you what you want. Anytime she doesn't, she gets your withdrawal - and nothing more.

In my second book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II", I have an entire chapter devoted to these idiots (called the "Attention Whore") and I strongly encourage you to read it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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