Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/2/2008

Question
Hi Dennis

I asked for your advice awhile ago about my boyfriend masturbating when I am home and how this upset me. Well since your advice, I am no longer upset about this, but now, I have caught him looking at porn.  He has found a free site on the computer and looks at it behind my back. Should I be concerned about this? Why is he looking at porn? I need this computer for school and I don't want him ruining it because of these sites. He doesn't know that I know he is looking at these sites (well at least I don't think he does) Should I approach him about this and let him know that I know?
Thanks.

Answer
Hello Vanessa!

You asked for my advice before and now you're back for more? What are you a masochist or something???

I'm glad you're over the masturbating thing. Now, let's get over the porn too.

Vanessa, here's the reality: no man; not me, not your father, not your pastor, not your President and not your boyfriend is monogamous by nature. That's just the way it is. Nature has made men (and 98% of all mammals that walk the earth) polygamous by nature. This is the way that we continue to propagate the species.

However, we can CHOOSE to be monogamous; going against our internal programming - and many guys do, just like your boyfriend has.

The reality however is that this doesn't mean that he's changed his programming at all. In fact, he hasn't. He's simply found a way to address it while staying true to his promise to you to be faithful: porn.

Think about this for a minute: since you're not going to get him to rewire his internal programming (and trust me on this; you're not) instead he's found an outlet for it that helps him stay with you.

This isn't about you "being enough" or anything like that at all. If you want to look at it this way, no woman is "enough" because only all the women in the world are "enough"! So, this doesn't reflect on you at all in any way.

Porn simply gives him an outlet to address this wiring.

Don't be upset about it, see it for what it is - your opportunity to keep him dedicated to you as the progressive, confident partner that you are. If you try to put an end to this, you're simply going to send him out into the world of women with his trigger cocked. You can't change this wiring, but you can manipulate it to your own advantage.

Maybe you and he can find some porn you enjoy too. Don't be so shy - many, many women enjoy porn just like guys do! Imagine you and he having some fun watching porn together and trying out some of the things you discover. What is that going to do for your sex life?

Bottom line: he's not cheating on you by looking at porn. He doesn't covet the women he watches and he doesn't want you to become one of them. He's simply living out his natural programming in order to keep his promises to you. Keep it above the table so you both can get closer - don't drive him underground with it because you aren't going to get him to stop it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"