Expert: Alex Strandberg - 12/10/2008

Question
Hi,

I like this girl and we've become "frieds" (not the F word
I hear you say), anyways we've been flirting here and
there, we're kinda in the same group of friends and we all
get on really well.

Her ex BF broke up with her about 3 months ago after a 5
year relationship (might play into the situation ever so
slighly).  It was my 21st a week ago and she came when 2 of
her good firends cancelled but she still came, I was
surprised to say the least cause she had to travel a bit.

Anyways that night, being the fool that I am, told her I
liked her, don't know why and what're we gona do about it
were roughtly my stupid words.

She said she thought I liked one of the other girls in our
group and had no idea(think she might be playin tat a lil).  
She said she liked me too, but(nooooooooooo not the b
word), said she'd only hurt me cause she wasnt able for a
relationship yet(possibly an easy let down me thinks).

Then of course she said I was a real nice guy (it just gets
better and better right?) and that she didn't want to hurt
me.

We hugged it out for 20+ mins maybe, out in d cold, gave
her my jacket, bla bla bla, was so contemplating kissing
her but decided no to go there.

Afterwards the following week things were a lil awkward,
but we're cool again, shes very touchy feely at times,
hooking arms, hugging, nothin more, but I think this is
just her demenor with guys she feels comfortably with.

I seriously feel I gave away an ace when I told her I liked
her.  Now, she either wants me to back off or she wants me
to chase her a lil.

I gotta start flirtin more with this girl, want to move
into the "possible lover" category.  What the hell am I
gona do? I have time, I'm not in a hurry at all, but I
wanna get the ball rollin.

I genuinly like her, and don't wanna mess her around, but
I think she might be playin a few come get me games, I NEED
YOUR HELP!


-Daniel  

Answer
Hey Daniel,

It's good that you can see where you went wrong along the way (and have a sense of humor about it).

This might seem counter intuitive (most success with women is) but you need to be able to let this girl go. It's your attachment to a girl that will cause her to pull away. It's the neediness and thinking about how to get her attracted to you that will cause her not to be attracted.

If you develop a 'take her or leave her' type of attitude you will have a greater chance with her. Keep your expectations low because once you are put into a 'no' category odds are high that you will stay there for good.

You are right when you say that she is touchy feely with guys she is comfortable with. It's a comfort and validation type thing. She does it for the attention and closeness that comes with having a man in her life.

"I like you too but..." that b word is a hard one to hear. It can be loosely translated to "I have no attraction for you." You greatly shot yourself in the foot in this situation.

My suggestion for you would be to go out and meet other women. Maybe a relationship with this one girl will come but chances are very low. The more you try to get with this one girl the further you will be pushing her away.

http://innergamereframe.com/turning-a-friendship-into-something-more/

Alex