Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/10/2008

Question
Hi,

I like this girl and we've become "frieds" (not the F word
I hear you say), anyways we've been flirting here and
there, we're kinda in the same group of friends and we all
get on really well.

Her ex BF broke up with her about 3 months ago after a 5
year relationship (might play into the situation ever so
slighly).  It was my 21st a week ago and she came when 2 of
her good firends cancelled but she still came, I was
surprised to say the least cause she had to travel a bit.

Anyways that night, being the fool that I am, told her I
liked her, don't know why and what're we gona do about it
were roughtly my stupid words.

She said she thought I liked one of the other girls in our
group and had no idea(think she might be playin tat a lil).  
She said she liked me too, but(nooooooooooo not the b
word), said she'd only hurt me cause she wasnt able for a
relationship yet(possibly an easy let down me thinks).

Then of course she said I was a real nice guy (it just gets
better and better right?) and that she didn't want to hurt
me.

We hugged it out for 20+ mins maybe, out in d cold, gave
her my jacket, bla bla bla, was so contemplating kissing
her but decided no to go there.

Afterwards the following week things were a lil awkward,
but we're cool again, shes very touchy feely at times,
hooking arms, hugging, nothin more, but I think this is
just her demenor with guys she feels comfortably with.

I seriously feel I gave away an ace when I told her I liked
her.  Now, she either wants me to back off or she wants me
to chase her a lil.

I gotta start flirtin more with this girl, want to move
into the "possible lover" category.  What the hell am I
gona do? I have time, I'm not in a hurry at all, but I
wanna get the ball rollin.

I genuinly like her, and don't wanna mess her around, but
I think she might be playin a few come get me games, I NEED
YOUR HELP!


-Daniel  

Answer
Hello Daniel!

Here's what you're going to do:

First, stop listening to her and reacting to her. When any woman ever tells you she's not "ready for" or "doesn't want a" relationship, it's utter bullshit and misdirection. What she very likely means is that she doesn't want it with YOU under the present situation.

I can't blame her - you're making her do all the work here! She's expecting that she's going to have to be both the man AND the woman here because you're not stepping up to do anything!

Daniel, you have responsibilities as the man in any relationship you're in. Just because you don't know what to do doesn't mean you get to do nothing.

If she's being all touchy-feely with you and over-engaging, it's because she wants to you move things on from here. You've got to get rid of your doubts and fears and focus EXCLUSIVELY on what you want. There are only so many mistakes that women will put up with before they dump you completely and to be honest, I'm shocked this girl has hung in here so long as it is!

Here's what you're going to do: you're going to call her up or see her in person (NO TEXTING, NO EMAILING!!!) Then, you're going to tell her that you need to see her either Thursday night or Friday night [or whatever] and ask her which is better for her. If she asks you why, you're simply going to say "Because I need to." Then, stick to your guns and go back for the date.

You're going to plan out a SIMPLE date that includes some coffee or a light dinner and maybe a drink, but you're NOT going to go to the movies or anything that takes her attention away from you.

When you see her, you're going to use my (patent pending) "opening kiss" routine on her. You do this by walking right up to her (whether you pick her up - best - or meet her makes no difference), carefully take her by the shoulders, pull her slightly off-balance toward you and kiss her softly on the lips. Let it linger and then, set her upright again and act like nothing happened.

You're going to hold her hand during the date and you're going to ignore any comments from her that don't lead to exactly what you want - a relationship. Then, you're also going to tell her that you and her are moving in that direction (at YOUR direction), boldly and confidently.

You're going to spend your time getting to know her - not talking about yourself. You'll go read my FAQ's about communications and open-ended questions on my website (http://beingaman.com under self-help) and build some real rapport and connection.

Finally, you're going to set another date to do something fun within a week and you're not going to call to confirm any of this because you'll have set everything up properly from the beginning.

Daniel, get your balls back in your pants and stop playing with this already. This isn't HER game, it's YOUR game.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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