Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/27/2008

Question
QUESTION:   
Hi Dennis,

A month ago I met an amazing man; handsome, in-shape, caring, respectful, educated, and with a thriving career. I love spending time with him, and get butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about him. My main problem is that he is 9 years older than me. I know this may not seem like much of an age gap, but there are some apparent difference between a 24 year old woman and a man in his 30's. I think he enjoys my youthful spirit, looks, and personality, however, I often get the feeling he views me as a little girl. I understand him. I am the youngest in my family and am used to being babied. However, I am an adult. I hold a Bachelor in Business; have a steady career, and an apartment.

I really like this guy. I guess my main question is: “how can I show him that I am mature enough to embark on a steady relationship without sacrificing my age and all that surrounds it?” I have never been on of those crazy 20 year olds who go clubbing all night long and have multiple one night stands. However, I am young and enjoy going dancing and having fun with friends. I have tried to make this clear to him, and as a result have held off on most things sexual. I live in one of the most pretentious cities in the USA where most girls are ‘party girls’ and I don’t want him to think I am “that type” of girl, but I do not want him to think I am a prude either. How can I make this distinction? And when is it acceptable for me to move things to the next level? I have seen him every weekend for the past 4 weeks.

Since he is in his 30’s, I think he is looking for something a bit more serious. He has mentioned that he wants a big family. I know he wants to settle down within the next couple of years. I would love for me to be the lucky girl. How do I get him to take me seriously? Any advice?  


ANSWER: Hello Sabrina!

Do you get the feeling that he views you as a little girl because he treats you like this or because of your own insecurities?

Here's the reality: by holding off being sexual (in effect, artificially manuipulating sex between you), you're proving to him that you're still a child. If you're sexually attracted to him, yet you're holding back because of some dumb belief that he'll see you as loose or promiscuous, you're proving to him the exact thing you don't want him to believe about you. Further, you're insuring that he's going to move on and find someone that knows better.

Sabrina, I see this sort of nonsense all the time from women. You carry - and continue to perpetuate - some really dumb and even dangerous beliefs about men! This is a great example of one of them: "If I sleep with him too early, he'll think I'm a slut and won't respect me."

I've met extremely few Western man in the last 20 years that actually feel this way. Go on and believe it if you want to, but don't be surprised when this guy goes and finds someone that knows better - not necessarily older, but more emotionally and sexually mature.

In effect, you're insulting an entire gender with this ridiculous belief! The vast majority of men see women that are comfortable expressing their sexualities as "sophisticated" and "mature", not party girls or sluts. It's time to update your victorian education to a modern one - and to stop listening to any woman that tells you differently. I've even seen so called "experts" on this board recommend this stupid bullshit!

Here's another thing you need to understand about how men are wired: early sex means something different to us than it does to you. Whereas you use sex to build closeness, intimacy and bonding, men use early sex to determine if we WANT TO get close, intimate and bond. We don't make that decision until AFTER we've have our physical selves addressed within the context of dating! Go back and re-read that until it really sinks in Sabrina because the next thing I'm going to tell you is going to shock you if you really understand that first point.

Here's the second, more shocking fact: we have a "shelf life" or a "window of opportunity" built right into us. Here's what that means: During the early part of dating, we're thinking all sorts of things about you (just as you are with us.) We're trying to build a picture of just how you fit in our lives and vice versa. The problem is that if we go too long without including the sexual piece of that puzzle, we'll just give up on you and put the puzzle away - and you along with it. Sure, we'll still sleep with you, but you'll no longer have access to our hearts and emotions.

The problem with this is that every guy's "window" stays open for a different length of time - and you can't possibly know how long that is! After a month of dating, you may already be past your guy's window! If he only sees you as a potential bed partner now, you're never going to get what you want with him. In effect, by trying to artificially manipulate sex between you (assuming you want to have sex with him in the first place) you may have just shot yourself in the foot!

Sabrina, we have to get past all of this stigma surrounding sex and start to see it as part of the integration process with any healthy relationship. Knowing if you're sexually compatible is a key element to the survival of the relationship and by holding off, you're simply telling him that you're scared, unsophisticated and manipulative - not strategic! Do you understand the difference?

More important, here you are trying to build a strong emotional foundation for a future relationship and to create all these complicated emotions in him and then denying him the one thing that would help him to interalize those emotions - sex. Guess what will happen when he meets some other women that knows better and actually sleeps with him? Answer: he's going to take all those emotions and invest them in HER, NOT YOU!

No man is going to opt for a sexless relationship, leading to a sexless marriage. All you're doing is proving to him that's what he can expect with you.

For an obviously-smart girl, these are some pretty dumb choices in my opinion!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much, Dennis.

I found you your response to be rather eye opening. It goes against every pre-conceived notion I’ve had of men. I guess I have my mother to thank for that. I might also mention that this is the first time I had dated as an “adult”. I was with my high school boyfriend until this past August, so obviously the stakes are very different.

Having read your answer and allowing your statement to “really sink in”, I know I am now ready to begin a sexual relationship with my guy. Goodness knows I have been dying to do just that since the day I met him and I do not want to miss out on my window of opportunity. Our chemistry is amazing. You have no idea how many times I have had to put on the breaks just because I didn’t want him to “lose respect for me”. Thinking about it now, I guess I was acting a bit childish.

My only question now is: Exactly how do I go about incorporating sexual activity into our relationship? The next time I am going to see him is this Friday. We have plans to grab drinks for a friend’s birthday. Would it be wrong of me to give into him if I’m tipsy? If something does happened that night and we are both feeling the effects of alcohol, would he view our first sexual encounter any differently that had we both been sober? I can see this scenario playing out in my head very clearly. I want to be with him and this is the next opportunity I’m going to have. Should I hold out until a night that we haven’t been drinking? Or just let it happen? Am I thinking like a little girl again?

I anxiously await your answer,

Sabrina


Answer
Hello again Sabrina!

First of all, what's "wrong" here is believing that you're giving him (or giving into) anything. Sex is something you share and is a mutual benefit. Anytime you give it to get somethen else, or take it in leiu of what you give, you're wrong - or at least going after the wrong things.

Just because you're tipsy doesn't mean you're not able to be sexual. For some women this actually enhances the experience by letting her relax. In fact that's a good thing. The problem is when people (of either sex) self-medicate through alcohol and have sex as a form of numbed punishment to themselves or someone else. That's not what you're doing here. You're simply moving your relationship to the next level. I don't think you want to be falling-down drunk, but being a little tipsy should be fine.

As to how to go about this, it depends on where you've been. If you've been pushing him away, he's not going to now believe that you actually want; and are ready to have sex. That means you're going to have to do more work for him to believe you.

One way to do this is to get him alone back at your place (or his - it doesn't matter) and start making out. After awhile, take off your own top - or his shirt or something and lead him into the bedroom by the hand. He'll get the message. Just be careful to not throw him "LMR" ("last minute resistance") or he'll just back away and will likely be angry.

As to when you should have sex, the answer is always the same: when you're physically and emotionally ready. If that time is this next Friday, then move ahead. If not, then you should wait until you are.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"