Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/24/2008

Question
Sir,

This is abhinav, writing from India. I worked in an organisation for 3 months. There i saw a very pretty girl, and love happened to me for the first time. I' started noticing her at work, the way she talked, the way she used to behave with people.. and i just love each and everything about her. her nature, her looks.. everything!

But i never got the courage to talk to her. I tried to get info about her, and got to know that she has a boyfriend. i felt a little broken... and i tried to forget about her, but was unable. But, falling in ove with her.. made me fall in love with myself.. and i started thinking about myself.. i was a short tempered guy, and overweight.. and i hardly used to smile..
but the day i saw her.. changed everything in my life.. i started taking care of me.. and its been 3 months now.. i find it strange .. but i no more loose temper .. i've lost 13 kgs.. and back in shape!..... and i smile a lot...
I just wish .. to enjoy each and every moment of my life...  but with her... and i can prove it.. i will do anything to achieve her.

I don;t know why, but whenever i saw her.. i used to forget all my tensions...
whenever anybody used to stare at her or say something bad about her.... it used to boil my blood.

then one day, i came to know that she has left the job, and is working somewhere else...

(i just had a hello.. hi.. with her once..)

i don't even know if she remembers me..
but i'm madly in love.. she has changed my life.. and i just don't want her to go...
i have her no. but i just cannot call her.. because i took the no. from somewhere else.

i'm thinking of sending her an e-mail, to express what i have in my heart.

I really love her, and i just can't do without her!

Please tell me, what should i do.. as i told u ... that we are not in contact. We are not even friends..

As i told you... that i've changed... and she's not aware .. of this.. .because she saw me before the changes.. when i used to look different...


Please help me out in this matter..
and if you need more info, please ask me.. and i'll mail you back..

(recently, i came to know that she had broken up with her Boyfriend sometime back. But i'm not sure if its true or not.)

Thank you!

Answer
Hello Abhinav!

I'm very glad that this experience has changed you for the better. Caring for yourself is the first step to caring for someone else, however I fear that you're going to be disappointed with the outcome. Let me explain why.

First of all, you don't love this girl as you claim. How do I know that? Simple: you don't even know her. Be absolutely clear on this point: she is a VERY different girl than you think she is. All of the things you've built up in your mind about her are different from the realities. I'm afraid that this is always the case. We are very complicated emotional creatures and have all sorts of things about us - some we hide, some we don't. It's those things she has hidden that are going to surprise you, maybe in shock you.

Even though you've made so many changes in yourself for the good, you done one thing that no woman will tolerate: you've given away all your power by falling in love. I constantly warn my students one thing: never fall in love with something or someone until you own it or them. Doing otherwise leads to disappointment.

Now, as you've stated you "can't do without her". That's too bad - what if she doesn't feel the same way? Then what are you going to do? Worse yet, what if you actually get her and then find out that she's not the person you think she is; and let's be clear about this: there's no possible way she CAN be that person!

You say you'll do "anything" to have her. I beg to differ. Will you fall out of love with her? That may very well be what it takes and even then, you've set yourself up to fail by moving when you had the chance before.

If you want a chance with her, I'll tell you what you have to do, but I want you to remember what I've already told you. I don't think is is going to end well, but I sincerely hope I'm wrong. Here's what you're going to have to do:

First of all, you're going to have to contact this girl. Email isn't your best option, but you have her phone number and that is far better. You didn't explain how you got it. I understand that someone else gave it to you, and that may be a key as to how you can use it. If this other person is a friend of the girl, you might call her up and simply explain that you asked about her "out of the blue" and she suggested you call her and then gave you her number. That should be enough reason to call.

If you got the number by somewhat less familiar means, this might seem odd to her and will put up a barrier if you call. In this case, email would be your only solution.

When you contact her, just explain what you both have in common - having worked at the same place. She may or may not remember you, but that's not really important. Keep the conversation brief and invite her out for coffee just to catch up and learn about her new job. Keep it friendly for now.

If she's willing to do that, you have a chance to get to know her better. If not, you may have no chance at all.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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