Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/14/2008

Question
Dr.Dennis, I need help. I tried to contact many people and got no answers. I'm in love, I was dating a girl for 1 year and we broe up the first time in november then got back toghter in decemeber. I then broke up with her because I felt she was losing interest and I didn't want to get dumped. 1 Month later here I am single and depressed. I made the biggest mistake in my life. I know there is many other girls out there but I just want my ex back. She now has a bf, that i know it wont work out. She's mad at me because i keep talking to her about or past and trying to get her back. She told me she never wanted to see me again but I think thats from me making her upset and stuff. What do I need to do to get her back? I love her way to much to give up on her.

Answer
Hello Jeremy!

You contacted other experts here on this board and got no answers? Something's very wrong with that indeed! They should have at least told you they couldn't/wouldn't answer this for you and why.

Never mind...let's get to an answer then, not that you're going to like my answer.

Let's review a few facts here first:

* You broke up with her the last time not because it was the best thing for you both, but to punish her for not being how you wanted her to be and out of fear.

* She met someone new and is dating them.

* You've tortured the hell out of this poor girl and now she doesn't want anything to do with you.

* Only NOW do you come to me for help and you want me to dig you out of the hole you've dug for yourself.

Pretty-much sums it up, don't you think?

Jeremy, you've created all this trauma for yourself by doing a ton of dumb things. Trying to do more dumb things isn't going to get you anywhere, so just stop contact her for now. I mean totally and completely. You've got to get scarce if you ever want another chance with this girl - which is frankly, slim.

You absolutely MUST start dating other girls right away! Yes, I know that's not what you want, but here's the reality: if she doesn't really believe that you've moved on, there's no reason for her to miss you. You're in her face all the time! She doesn't really get any rest from you or a chance to get over being mad at you.

By dating other girls, she's going to find out about it (but you can't throw it back in her face or you'll just be insuring that she never gets over being mad at you!) but even more important, you're going to be changing your OWN perspective here. when you meet 3 other girls you like, she's not going to seem that important to you and that's EXACTLY the attitude you need to have.

It's going to make you stop obsessing on her - the exact reason why you're torturing her right now - and it's going to give you a path if things don't eventually work out with her.

I know you don't want to hear this and I know this isn't what you want to do. You're just going to have to decide if you're more attached to the idea of having this girl or the hurt you've caused the both of you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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