Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/19/2008

Question
QUESTION: I think you give great advice - straight and to the point.  I'm wondering how you can tell if your ex is interested in getting back together.  I dated a wonderful woman for three months, when she said she had major things she needed to think about and "needed some space."  I had already noticed that she had been withdrawing.  I asked if she wanted to see me less often, but she said no.  After a few weeks of enduring sparse sex and a complete lack of enthusiasm on her part, I ended the relationship.  This was almost three months ago.  
Since then, she has called me every couple of weeks to talk about exchanging a few left-behind personal clothing items.  I have started seeing someone else, and I haven't picked up her calls (both from reading your advice).  I've returned her calls a day or two later with no answer (again, your advice).  A few days ago, we finally connected on the phone.  We had a pleasant conversation and I tried to keep it short (ditto).  She kept talking.  
After 20 minutes, I finally made an excuse to end the call, but we never did arrange when we were going to exchange our stuff.  She didn't gush about needing me, wanting me, missing me, etc.  But I had the feeling that if I had said the right thing, she would have been at my doorstep as fast as she could drive over.  I don't see my current relationship going anywhere, and really would like another shot with this woman.  What are some leading questions I could ask when she calls back to find out she wants more than her old pajamas?  Of course, I don't want to show my hand...  
Thank you for your advice.

ANSWER: Hello Rich!

First of all, I'm glad you ended the relationship and not the other way around. If this had been reversed, you'd have had a much more difficult time getting back together; not that it's going to be easy now.

Before I answer your question, I want you to think about one important point: SHOULD you get back together with her? Consider this: you two broke up for a reason. That reason still exists since nothing was resolved. That means that you're going to be right back in the same shit you were in when you called it quits.

Thus, not only do you need to re-win this girl, but you're going to have to go back and fix all the problems. Can you even do this? Not all problems are fixable, and it's going to take a bunch of additional work on both your parts - if she's even willing to do this.

Another problem you have is that you punished her by breaking up with her. In other words, you didn't try absolutely everything to make things work back then and instead, just broke up. What's to make her really believe that you want to fix them now, that you can fix them - or that she's even willing to do so?

Yet another consideration you have is that finding a new girlfriend is going to be far easier than all of this! Is she really the right woman for you? If you weren't getting the sex you needed and obviously had other problems, I'm not so sure. Combine this with the fact that meeting another girl is so much easier, and frankly, I'm not sure this is a good move!

With all these things considered, I want you to really think about this decision. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't do it.

If you really want her back, you have to avoid giving her back her things or taking yours back. That's too "final" and isn't the message you want to send. You did well with not returning the phone calls, ending the conversations early, etc. and these things will help you - but they're not the final answer.

I suggest that you tell her you want to meet for a drink. You can use any excuse you want, but you're going to need to do a face-to-face with her. The reason for this is that you want to use her senses to "remember" her original interest in you. This will help her to get into "state" (through physiology) and to start missing you. You can even talk about some of the fun times you had.

You want to build up the good feelings and avoid the bad ones. This way, she'll see the end of the date as a loss of those feelings. Rather than asking her anything (which just turns on her natural defenses to prevent from getting hurt again), touch her and act like you were back together again. You can even suggest you both go back to her place (or yours) and charm her back to bed.

This is a case where you don't want to ask her or tell her anything about the relationship. Just BE back in it and bingo! You are!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your advice.  It makes perfect sense.  I know she will meet with me.  
I wanted to get a read on her beforehand because of her reason for withdrawing in the first place.  Her kids are nearing 18 and about to leave the nest, while mine are younger - 10 and 13.  She was rethinking whether she wanted to be a "mom" for 8 more years.  I reminded her that she knew about my kids on our first date.  I do feel like this was her real reason (but you know women).  So there wasn't much I could really work out - my kids are part of my package.  
Otherwise, before her withdrawal, our relationship was great.  If there were other problems, I never heard about them.  If this changes your advice, please let me know.  Thank you again.

Answer
Hello again Rich!

No change, although the way to handle this issue is to tell her she's NOT their mother and she doesn't have to worry about being her. Of course, her maternal instincts will kick in regardless so you'll have to minimize that impact by constantly asking her if she really wants to act like the mother or not. She'll say she does.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"