Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/29/2008

Question
QUESTION: My ex broke up with me after a year and a 2 months, basically i have ended up pushing her away due to my commitment issues that i didn't realise i had until it was too late. I kept thinking to myself when it started getting serious whether i really wanted to be with her or not thinking that maybe there was someone out there who was better for me and being as low as thinking maybe someone better looking too.    
My last relationship ended very messily and i got hurt after putting all of myself into it, i know now that this is the main reason for my issue. My ex and I were friends when this happened and eventually we became lovers after awhile of me being single,and her leaving her husband after 2 years of misery with him. We had to keep our relationship secret from  some people when we started off due to the overlap of the long proceedings of divorce. But i made sure i wasn't the rebound and she genuinely wanted to be with me which she proved over how ever many months.     

Since she said she couldn't do this any more and told me she doesn't love me any more I have met up with her for dinner and we have discussed the past, present and future. I have told her how much she means to me and that i want to be with her. I made it clear that i understood what i have done and why i did it and how i know i will not do it again (commitment issue). I promised her that if she gives us another go that i would want a fully blown relationship and then eased in gently the idea of moving in together to spend more time with each other and told her how i wanted to go exploring with her and discover new things and new experiences with her. She took all this well and agreed with the idea.
She said that she now needs her space and time to think about what she wants and whether she wants to give it another go. She said she doesn't love me any more but still really likes me and wants to see me. And we hugged and kissed before leaving each other that night.   
I am now wondering do i simply send her a text every now and again to see how her day was or should i back off completely and not contact her at all to let her make contact if and when she starts to miss me? I was going to not contact her at all for 4 days then send her text message to see how her weekend went.   
What do u think?"

ANSWER: Hello Tempest!

Now, here's the real kicker: there *IS* someone better out there. The problem is that if you're always chasing the BBD ("Bigger, Better Deal") you'll never have the closeness and intimacy you want and need. That's a complete waste of time.

I'm afraid she's punishing you here. That's a bad thing not just because she's doing it, but because she believes she can get away with it! Of course, you're too afraid of losing her so you'll LET her get away with it.

Let's explore her thought process, shall we?

If you let her do this to you, she starts to think that you're a pussy and that she can pull anything on you she wants. Then, she loses respect for you, stops feeling secure and safe around you and finally falls totally and completely out of love with you. Do you see how this works?

You are doing neither her nor yourself any favors by allowing this to happen.

What you NEED to do is this:

Call (don't text her) and ask for one more meeting. Tell her that YOU'VE made a decision. You're sorry she feels she has to punish you over this (which she is going to deny until the cows come home) but you're not going to wait around until she gets her fill. Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. You've told her what you want and if she can't give it to you, you'll go and find it somewhere else. The choice is hers.

Then, get very quiet and let her ramble on. She's not going to expect this so don't be surprised if she tries to figure it out with her own words. Just let her go.

Stick to your guns here however! Either she accepts getting back together or she loses you. There's no gray area (as far as she knows) and her actions dictate you walking or staying.

Now, if she doesn't absolutely believe you, she's going to call your bluff. Don't worry. Just thank her for the time and get up and walk out without saying a word, hugging her or anything. This has to be dramatic or she's not going to feel it.

As well, you absolutely MUST start dating immediately. There's no exception to this. Yes, I understand that's not what you want, but if you don't, she'll know that you were bluffing and will go right back to losing all respect for you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your reply,

Is there a less harsh way of doing this, she is 27 years old, She keeps quiet when something is bothering her and we don't live near each other so if i did go and start dating someone else, she wouldn't know about it.

It's been just under a week since we split as well. I didn't say that she said she didn't want to give it another go because of guilt thats why she wanted the time and space to think about it?????

I just don't wanna be saying either be with me or i'll get someone else as i have already told her i don't wanna any of the other fish in the sea. And don't wanna be saying one thing at one time and then the opposite of that at another, unless you truly believe she won't recognise this.

Thanks again for advice.

Answer
Hello again!

Is there a less-harsh way? Sure, you could beg and plead with her. You can promise that you'll change and that you'll give her everything she could ever want if she'll just change her mind. After all, you can change!

Of course, that's not going to work very well, but it'd sure be less harsh, right?

What's this about her not living close enough? Is this a long-distance situation? If so, forget it. LDR's (Long Distance Relationsihps) NEVER work out! She has no motivation to fix things since she never had anything in the first place. Go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the video on LDR's under BAM TV. While you're there, watch the video on "Breaks" and you'll understand why this isn't about space at all.

Regarding what you've said, what the hell? What about what SHE said when she promised you that you'd be together way back when? She changed her mind, can't you?

Look, if you're not going to stand up for yourself, you'd better prepare to be dumped on a regular basis. How's THAT for harsh?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"