Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/3/2008

Question
There is this girl that has an attitude/personality of one that is an easy talker, knows her stuff, and will call you out on anything,  I'v had many problems of trying to talk to her and well "get to her core, emotionally" as you might say and i was hoping if you could give me some tricks or techniquws on how to make it feel like im in control when talking and ways to grab her attention and keep it while also getting her to open up to me........ will you help me?

Sincerely,

A man trying to be with the woman of his dreams

Answer
Hello Brian!

Excellent question!

This girl is likely using all sorts of communication tricks and techniques in order to hide her real self. This might come from a lack of security or self-esteem and the guy that can penetrate that and let her feel comfortable coming out is one that will easily have her.

Now, before I get into this in too much depth, a warning: be sure you know what you're asking for here. If she's really insecure, you're going to be the guy that gets all of that insecurity unloaded on him - and not in a good way. Are you really ready for that? Think about it before you just react and say "hell yes!" Frankly, most guys aren't.

The key you need is called "active listening".

When most people talk to someone else, they spend all their time thinking of their own answers, not on want's being said. If you completely drop any interest in your own responses but focus entirely on what she's say and trying to understand the underlying meaning and motivation behind it, you have your key.

This isn't anywhere near as difficult as it sounds. Trust me.

When you really listen to someone else - you focus on the words they choose and the slight cock of their heads and the inappropriate laugh they add to the end of sentences, etc., you'll notice something: you get a feeling of what they really think about what they're saying! That feeling is your interpretation of it.

The problem is that we have to stiffle the voices in our own heads that makes us want to respond with our own stories. Even this isn't that hard to do however.

Listen to what she says with the intent of asking her a question about it. Think about being an interviewer for instance. You want to get deeper and deeper into what she says in order to get to the realities. What she first tells you is likely to be misdirection. As you ask her about it, concentrate on her FEELINGS about what she's saying - not the words themselves.

Great follow-up questions include, "Why do you FEEL that way?" and "What made you say it like that?"

These are open-ended questions that lead her to have to get into "state". By state, I mean to get into her own internal communication systems. By doing this, she's no longer thinking about how to misdirect you, she's thinking about her own experience. This is where the door begins to open.

Brian, this gets a little too complicated to explain in depth via messaging, so if you really want to learn how all these techniques work, check out "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" where I go into them in great depth.

These are incredible tools in the hands of any man, whether you use them with her or another woman. I only ask that you use them for good - not evil!    ;)

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"