Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/3/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi
Here is the situation, I know this girl, we've know each other ever since we were little kids. Her brother is my best friend, but that doesn't mean that I see her very often or talk to her much. The thing is, I found out that I really like her and would like her to be my girlfriend, she just recently broke up with her boyfriend, they were together for like 4 or 5 years, so I guess their relationship was very important to them.
Now, I heard she broke up with him because of some things that were going bad between them, plus lack of trust, and I guess maybe routine. They've broken up and got back again together a few times in the past, but this time she says is for real. She once made a comment that she didn't like to feel lonely.
So, my question is, how long should I wait before asking her out on a date and begin working on a boyfriend - girlfriend relationship with her? I was thinking maybe 1 month after their break up with occasional dates and after 2 months of their break up I ask her to be my girlfriend? Please advise me. I'm 24 and she's 22.
Thanks in advance for your help.

ANSWER: Hello Rick!

How long should you wait??? You should NEVER wait! You're already too late. (This is going to turn into a poem if I'm not careful!)

Rick, boyfriends are NEVER an issue and many guys make the mistake of waiting their turn rather than going for what they want. Stop and think about this for minute: what do you think is more appealing to a woman - the guy that sits back and waits his turn or the guy that just goes for what he wants?

In case you're not sure, it's the guy that goes for what he wants! There's a lot of science behind this I'm not going to bore you with, but suffice it to say that waiting around is NEVER a reasonable choice, and boyfriends are NEVER a barrier.

I suggest you get your friend to help you here. Just tell him that you'd like to get to know his sister better and to help you. I'm sure he'd be happy that she was dating someone he already respects and would be available to help you out.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dennis

Thanks for the advice. I was hoping you could help me out with some suggestions on how to get closer to her but that she doesn't label me as a "just a friend" and don't consider me as a potential boyfriend in the future. Thanks

ANSWER: Hello again Rick!

As I've already told you - get your buddy to help. This is called "social proof" which means he's pre-qualifying you for her.

Then, ask her out on a real date - don't just "hang out". That's what friends do.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: howdy.
news flash!!! ok here's the situation, i've been slowly working on building a friendship with her, I sometimes text her asking her about how she's doing in college, talk sometimes on the phone, but i've haven't asked her out yet.
So, apparently she and her ex-boyfriend have been kind of hanging out together, you know doing errands and that kind of stuff. I began to worry. Today I asked her if they went back together again and the tell's me this tricky answer: "Weeell, I don't know". That puzzles me even more!! She then said that she doesn't like to be alone, but that relationships are not her thing. But if that it's true then how come they had a relationship for 5 years?? Then she says that he works things out quickly making her happy and forget about his screw ups.
At this point I don't know what to do, if I set things straight with her about me having a chance, I might blow it! But there's also the risk that they might end up back together again. Help me please!!

Answer
Hey Rick!

Help you? Help you with what - screwing this up permanently??? You've already done huge damage here. I don't think I can help you fix what you've already done.

Here's the problem: instead of learning what to do, you're flying by the seat of your pants. You're just testing everything. You've even become her "friend". Game over Rick! That is relationship death!

You could have gone to my website and read my FAQ's and watch some of the videos, but no - you wanted to do the same dumb things that guys all over the place do, and now you want me to help you fix it.

Here's your "fix": get your damn head screwed on straight and go learn the game FIRST instead of trying to do everything trial-and-error.

You should have asked her out like I told you. You shouldn't be worried about this boyfriend thing because you'd have discovered that he's not an issue, and you shouldn't be talking to her on the phone...unless...this is a long-distance thing now! If so, it's really game-over.

I tried to help you before and you just ignored me. Now, you're on your own. Go get educated.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"