Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/1/2008

Question
Hi Doc,
im am finding it tough finding a woman to fall in love with. The thing is I feel the guilt of acting the 'alpha' tough male and treating a woman rough to get her attention, before showing your soft side. I hate it in women when they justify the philosophy 'treat em mean, keep em keen'. Thing is when i treat them like queens and act polite, then try make a move they reject it. It's almost as if they want to be dominated. It pisses on all my beliefs, then i get angry at them and walk away. Often, when I try to be brave, I get rejected. I must be trying the wrong things, or not trying with enough confidence. So how do i make a move without being macho and still get results? This is a serious problem, I haven't had a relationship in two years. Thanks in advance.

Answer
Hello!

Interestingly, you probably don't really know what an Alpha is - few people do. Acting "tough" is much more the action of the "sub-dominant male" than the Alpha. Think of it like this: the Alpha tends to be less engaged simply because he's automatically given power by his pack automatically - he doesn't have to take it.

On the other hand, you can't come off as "nice" with most women. I get letters almost every day from women that just want to find a nice guy. The problem is that these women simply don't know what they want! The reality is that they'll never be attracted to a nice guy, but aren't looking to be abused either.

As I constantly explain, there's a very big difference between being "dominant" and being "domineering". Women seem to really get that distinction.

Here's another interesting manifestation of our current cultural shifts to it being a "woman's world": the stronger a woman is in her outward life, the more likely she'll be (or desire to be) submissive in her relationship/sex life! I've written an article on this very subject that you can read if you're interested. Just Google "Strong Women, Submissive Women".

I fully understand about your frustration. It is borne from a media that wants to protray women in very specialized light (because it sells) without understanding the realities of women's psyche's (something you have to address to be successful with them.)

This is exactly why I've written my "Being a Man in a Woman's World" series - to address this very issue! You should check out those books if you want the whole story, but here's the reality: you can't present the "nice guy" front and expect to win until AFTER you already have the woman. In other words, you need to keep your strength up front only to "soften" it a bit after you have a physical and emotional relationship established.

That's a tough order for many men as they either over- or under-do it. Striking a balance is crutial, and always being able to revert back to the point of strength is also crutial.

It's a sad fact that in most relationships, you never get to let your guard down entirely. Thus, you have to build that strength into your personality so that you have it in your back pocket any time you need it.

By the way, if you're actually getting rejected, you might not be getting a real rejection in the first place. You might be getting "LMR" ("Last Minute Resistance") instead. This is common and something else you need to learn how to deal with. You'll learn about this and many more things in the books.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"