Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/6/2008

Question
It was almost perfect for the first five weeks.  We were in a place of love I had
never been before.  We were electrifying each other.  I mean she was the one
pushing for complete comfortable intimacy, and I was slipping down the
slippery slope of love.  Well the night of the super bowl past, we had an
amazing time at a party, She worked the room, bouncing from people to
people, while I was hanging out having a good time, not paying her too much
attention, being her man.  It was that night that I realized that she was my
girl and was so comfortable with it.  That night when we made love, it was hot
passionate, hip grinding love making.  She said she wanted to have my babies
in a fit of passion.  We had an interim hot make out session, then made love
again, this time without a condom (she had told me earlier in the day that she
was not pregnant, which she said she hid how nervous she really was).  She
asked me when I was going to come and I told her I wanted to come inside of
her.  I asked her, and she didn't say no, but hindsight is 20/20.  When it
happened I felt the change in her immediately.  Well I knew something was
wrong and she pulled away for a week and a half.  When she came back it
was never the same, and I spent the next two months overcompensating and
trying too hard to please her, out of fear of losing her.  Well three weeks ago,
I started to fight that fear.  I was ready to come out on the other side, and be
myself again, because I too was scared how close we got.  We were supposed
to have dinner on a thursday and I called her and left a message about how
happy I was to see her that night and I had been waiting all day to see her.  
She texted me late.  I called her up and yelled at her the next morning on a
voice message,  nothing mean, just saying I didn't mind if she flaked, but to
let me know at least.  She invited me to  a party for saturday night.  I walked
into the lions den.  We weren't connected anymore, it was like I woke up
finally and everything was gone.  I should have left or broke up with her, but I
stayed, and went out to the bars after the party,  Wound up being too drunk
on an empty stomach with a full moon.  Some dude walked up to her and
hugged her good bye.  As he was leaving I through a piece of pizza at him,
and when he said something to me I tackled him.  Now I didn't punch him or
hurt him, just tackled him.  Obviously not the best behavior, but still...not the
worst thing a man fighting for love has done.  Obviously the girl left the bar
with her friends, and I went back to the house where the party was.  I walked
into them talking about what I did, and she wouldn't look at me.  I implored
her to talk to me.  We went outside and I apologized, I really didn't even know
what completely happened.  But I sobered up quick, and addressed the fact
that things hadn't been the same since I came inside of her, and where did
we go, and told her I was fighting for us.  She gave me that steely ex love
gaze and said that she never really wanted a boyfriend.  I hugged her and
kissed her on the lips and told her she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever
met and that I'd love her forever, and left.  I punched a fence as I was leaving
and screamed "Goddam it!" This is a fucking joke" I was out in the street
when three guys at the party came out after me.  I stood up to them, and they
didn't beat me silly, which was nice.  I sent her a myspace message saying
good bye and that I thought I was fighting fo something we had.  I called her
the next monday and left a message on her vm, in anger, saying I didn't want
to talk about boyfriends or girlfriends, that I wanted to talk about break up
sex, cause I felt like I earned it.  Listen, I know my demons.  I was willing to
let go all of the hurt all of the baggage I've acquired in life for her.  I know
now that i have to let that all go for me.  Projecting that need to be forgiven
for the bad things in life that have happened to me and that I've perpetuated
on to other people has ruined most of my intimate relationships and I know
that now.  I know it and I am fighting for myself, not for someone else now.  I
called her friday past and left her a message saying that I didn't want my last
words to her to be in anger.  I told her that it went too fast and I got scared,
but I was fighting through it towards the end.  I told her that if the first 5
weeks were just me and her projecting things onto each other that we wanted
to say to other people, I'm okay with that.    I told her that I had to throw
myself into my work for the next two or three months (more like three) and
that if I didn't hear from her I knew my answer.  Doc.  she's the most
beautiful girl I've ever had.  I'm getting counseling for victims of sexual
assault.  I'm throwing as much of my own energy into myself.  I won't contact
her for three months at least if I do at all. I don't have problems meeting and
dating beautiful women.  In fact I am sort of blessed with an ability to attract
beautiful girls, but this one was.  She is so amazing.  I guess the signs were
there from the beginning that it would end.  I'm just hurting right now
because I feel like if I had not let her disarm me so quickly, she'd still be my
girl.  In 3 months, should I do something, or will I know what to do or not do
when the time is right?  I hate to sound like the guy that holds out hope that
she'll figure out that it was insecurity and fear that doomed the both of us,
but that I'm the kind of man who perseveres. What do I do so that she knows
I'm worth fighting for?

Answer
Hello Jack!

I'm in the honesty/reality business. You're coming from a place of total fantasy. I have to believe she's not going to come back. In effect, you've taken the deep emotional roll here and left her with what should be your roll; the masculine one. No woman I've ever met is going to covet that.

Jack, you need to understand something here. Being out of control both physically and emotionally (as you'll agree you've been) serves only to make the woman in your life feel insecure and unsafe. Women need security and safety to feel love. How are you ever going to turn this around in her mind? Honestly, I can't think of a way for you to do this.

Giving her some distance for the next 3 months is actually the best thing you could do, but expecting her to change that image of you as out of control, insecure, overly-reactive and emotive, etc., is pure fantasy.

You can't love someone so much that they'll see past thier own ingrained needs. The next 3 months should be one of introspection to determine why you created this situation and how to move past it with the next woman.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
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