Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/14/2008

Question
QUESTION: hey, i am 15 years old and i am in love with this girl. i know i know everyone tells me that im too young to know what love is but honestly i cant put into words how much she means to me. she makes me laugh all the time, we have the same personalities, and she says she has the same feelings towards me. exept she says she doesnt feel like dating right now, which i respect that, but we fight quite a bit but i think that if we were to date it would change all of that, i mean we would probably still have the occasional fight but not as much as we do now, because right now i dont know what i can and cant do to show her that i love her and im really not experienced in dating but i know how to make her happy. but right now she still doesnt trust me, heres an example, she went to the bahamas 2 weeks ago for a week and the past week has been great but when she was gone we have this thing where i promised i wouldnt touch any other girls cuz i had one incodent in the past but she forgave me for that, thats another thing i love about her because she is so understanding, anyways we talked quite frequently while she was gone because i cant stand being without her for that long, but she asked if i kept my promise and i said yes and i said yes because i didnt think i did anything that would hurt her, exept i did hold this girls hand for about 5 seconds cause she fell really hard and i wanted to make her feel better, but she found out and totally got the wrong impression but i honestly didnt know i did anything wrong, but now she says she just wants to be friends for good now and im not willing to give up because i think what we have is special, she just has to give it a chance, my question is what should i do to get her back cause i know she still loves me and how should i handle the fact that she doesnt want to date?
thank you for reading this
Drew

ANSWER: Hello Drew!

Why would you respect that? What's wrong with her that she doesn't "feel like dating right now"? Is it more like she doesn't feel like dating YOU right now?

Also, if you think you'd fight less if you were dating, trust me, you're way off base!

Drew, here's the real problem with all of this: she has ALL the power and you have none. In real, healthy relationships they power is divided equally - with the man having it most often.

Look how far away from that you are! She decides to punish you for holding some girl's hand and you let her! This girl doesn't respect you in the least, but that's not her fault - it's yours.

Now, SHE decides that she wants to be friends. Don't you get a say in this? Nope - you just threw it all away and lied down like a beaten puppy.

Drew, I'm going to tell you what you need to do, but let's face reality here: you're not going to do it. You're going to continue on just like you are right now out of fear and weakness. Some day you'll get tired of being abused by this girl - probably after she's gone onto her 3rd relationship with guys that know better than you and you'll see that I was right all along.

Anyway here it is:

You tell her that you're absolutely NOT going to be her friend - not now not ever. You and she deserve much better than that and if she can't see it that's her problem. You're going to then go find the very next girl you see, strike up a conversation with her and go out and have a great time with her.

Any time this girl ever contacts you for any reason you're going to say, "Are you ready to start dating yet?" If she says "no" you're going to hang up the phone and forget her until she wises up.

You're going to stop accepting this punishment as though you deserve it for loving her and you're going to get your self-respect back and tell her what she has to do in order to be with you - not the other way around.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: what if i see her alot everyday for my sport?

Answer
Hello again Drew!

Simple: treat her like any other athlete there. Don't give her any special attention or anything else.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"