Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/15/2008

Question
Dr. Neder,

I've known that Heather liked me for a long time, but could do nothing about it because I was involved in another relationship.  I would e-mail and talk to Heather here and there and she would always reciprocate.  I visit her every week because my father is involved with business with her father.  She keeps a magnet on the fridge that has happy faces expressing various emotions.  Her and I have always toyed with the magnet, moving it to express how our day is going.  Last Nov. (2007) I was helping her with her homework in the library and we were looking for books, when I got the feeling by her actions that she wanted me to kiss her.  I got that feeling alot that day, but never did anything about it because I was involved at the time.  

I think I have always had feelings for Heather.  Recently her friend Lynn visited her and they went to see some mutal friends.  Lynn and Heather ended up staying in the same motel room together, or so they said.  Later I asked Heather out, but she didn't accept because I was still attached, but she hinted that she would if I was available.  I was jealous because of Lynn and the rejection did hurt me so I sought revenge and wrote a nasty e-mail to Heather accusing her of being a lesbian with Lynn, to prostitution, to dealing drugs and having gambling problems.
She was quite upset because of my e-mail.

I appologized to Heather and told her that I liked her in my appology.  A week later I sent her flowers for Valentines day, the first bouquet to say sorry, the second to say thanks, and the third for Valentiens day.  A week later I noticed that she kept 3 of the roses although they were wilted, and had moved the fridge magnet to "Lovestruck".

I was no longer attached and new her birthday was coming up in a month so planned something for her.  I put together a puzzle for her to follow and solve, which led to my gifts for her.  When I first told her about it, she didn't seem receptive and took a while to respond ot it. She never got around to finishing it and told me that she really didn't have time to do it, even though I told her it wouldn't take much time.  Finally I just gave her my gifts of 2 poems I wrote, and an invitation to dinner and a movie.  

She accepted my poetry but rejected my invitation. She also stopped moving the magnet.  I asked her if she felt comfortable with what I did and she responded "No".  She thought I was doing it to be nice for my nasty e-mail I sent her, and she thought I wasn't over it yet.  I told her that I was in an e-mail I sent her, but she never responded.  The last time I saw her she had completly moved the fridge magnet from the side of the fridge to the front and placed the emotion on "Mischevious".  I'm not sure what to read from this.  Is she teasing me, leading me on, or just playing with me?

Also, I know that she went out to eat with a male friend for her birthday.  I'm not sure if they went out on other occasions.  In the past she has said that he is her friend, so I'm trying not to be jealous of this behavior.

Should I continue trying for this girl?  I suspected that she had feelings for me in the past, would she still have feelings for me now after everything happened?  Is she playing games or just hard to get?

Thank you for your answers to these questions.  I appologize about the length of this.

Answer
Hello Don!

From what you've told me, I get the impression that the only one intersted here is you. In fact, your overreaction and nasty email tell me that you're rather out of control on all of this, which would be a common symptom of her not directly telling you that she's not interested and you not reading into her signals. This is about confusion - yours.

Don, I can't read her mind, but I know how women communicate. What you're hoping for is that she comes right out and tells you she's not interested so that you can move on. That's not going to happen. Women don't do this. Instead, they imply it through turning you down for dates, being evasive, etc. She doesn't want to hurt her father's business with you and thus, won't give you such a clear sign.

You need to move on and forget this girl.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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