Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/28/2008

Question
Hi Dr Neder,

Im 27 and just not as successful with women as I think I should be. Ive had some limited success with women but I think Im operating well within my potential.
Im not too bad at approaching women, I seem to get over that 1st hurdle OK but I think its because Im fairly good looking.

The trouble is I struggle sometimes when talking women because I feel like some sleezy grease ball whos just bothering them. Im alright at chatting and I seem to do OK for about 60s but then I cant "close the deal" (ie get a phone No etc). Please help, the frustration is terrible!

all the best

Michael


Answer
Hello Michael!

There are a number of skills that all guys need to learn. The approach is one of them. Another is building rapport and connection which leads to developing attraction. The close is another skill - how to get digits, dates and sex.

Even more skills exist beyond this. You need to learn how to set dates (and make sure she shows), how to handle the dates themselves and how to get more of them. You need to learn how to "convert": digits to dates, dates to sex and sex to relationships; and then, how to build relationships.

There are obviously quite a few things to learn and what most guys do is try to learn them by trial-and-error.

Think about this for a minute. Girls have all sorts of resources to learn these things: books, magazines, movies, tv, friends and family, etc., etc., etc. Women's world's are all built on learning all these skills from the other side.

What happens to most guys? Simple: they just flounder - like you're doing right now. In fact, it's usually by accident that most guys find relationships at all.

That's a pretty sad commentary when in fact the skills are so well defined. The problem is that they're also more complicated than I can describe in one or even 100 emails! Trust me, in answering over 21,000 of these questions, I'm still trying to do just that.

On the other hand, you have a number of resources available at my website (http://beingaman.com) and the up-coming "BAM TV", that I encourage you to take advantage of. Go fill your bucket with as much knowledge as you can and you'll get these problems solved. It really is about education.

Let me get you started with this: after you approach a woman your job is to build that rapport and connection. You do that using communication skills. You want to get her talking so that you can determine what communication systems she uses. Next, you either mirror or oppose the systems in order to build attraction.

The "close" is simply telling her to do what you want her to do. If you've built up enough rapport, the close will be easy - and in some cases will even take care of itself. I've had many women shove their numbers into my hands on their own.

Keep in mind that getting numbers isn't "success" however. If that's all you do, you've actually failed this game. The real win is when you meet your relationship goals - whatever they are. What's that you say, you don't have relationship goals? Then you need to sit down with pen and paper and get them written.

That's your first step.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"