Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/18/2008

Question
"So I started dating my BEST friend of six years.  She had gone out
with a friend of mine in the past.  They broke up a long time ago but our
circle of friends remained close.  Over the last two years I had
developed a major crush on her but never said anything and we became very
close as friends.  Ten months ago we started spending significant time
together.  During this time the crush I had was turning into something
more.  After a five months like this we talked and she told me she also
was feeling the same way.  We started to date to see what would happen.
 It was an unbelievable time.  Something happens when we are together.
 Anyway we agreed to take things slow to make sure we wouldn't screw up
our friendship.  We fooled around but never slept together.  We carried
this on for about 4 months and to me everything seemed to be going
great and I was very happy.  About a month ago everything changed.  I felt
something was different with her.  We talked and she said she doesn't
know why, but she lost the feeling.  I cant begin to tell you how upset
I was.  Anyway we would talk and she would begin to tell me a dozen
different reasons as to why.  She said it seemed that I was so gung ho
with this and was willing to put so much more into it than she was and
she maybe had her doubts about us.  I began to see that there was a lot
of miscommunication.  We hadn't talked much this last month.  The other
night we talked.  She said what had happened was she stopped thinking
about me so much.  The real crusher for me was when she said that when
she was out she began to look at other guys and started to feel guilty.
 She said she didn't know why because of how good things were going
with me.  She said she didn't want to hurt me.  She said she has even had
second thoughts about stopping what we had going.  I tell her I think
she has made a mistake and I don't think I can be just friends anymore.
 She is extremely hurt by this and said our friendship was too good to
let it go.  I tell her about my feeling for her and tell her I'm not
going to live with false hope and be reminded everytime I see her of how
good things were going and what I thought would be between us.  I also
told her that it would kill me to see her with another guy, and to
feel all of those things that would go along with that.  I told her I
would rather loose the friendship than to even feel like that for even a
minute.  We part ways.  The next day she texts me early in the morning
saying sorry to bother me then asks a question about a movie.  I think
this is weird and I don't respond.  I don't know how to handle this.  I
wanted something to happen with her on a romantic level.  Its
devastating to loose her as a friend.  We are both 26.  I start med school in two
weeks.  Don't know how I will do it without her by my side.  I know I
cant do it with her the way things are.  I need to clear my head as
quickly as possible.  I know if I shut her out completely I stand no
chance of things ever working out.  I know I cant live with being tortured
by keeping her as a friend.  I also wont even have the time to meet someone else nor do I want to.  Lost, confused, heartbroken, angry, scared,
and I miss my friend.  How should I handle this if she reaches out again? Any advice on how I should handle this will be
greatly appreciated.


Answer
Hello Mike!

Honestly, I don't think you stand any further chance now. There are a ton of dynamics going on here and I can't possibly address them all, but suffice it to say that you're one more statistic in the sea of them - guys that try to turn friendships into something more.

Mike, what this girl wants you can never, ever give her now. You weren't her boyfriend, you were her brother. Sounds creepy doesn't it? Unfortunately, it is.

Yes, you also need to end the friendship too and if she reaches out to you, you've got to ignore it. Do whatever you can to completely sever this so that you can move on, heal and find someone that you CAN have a real relationship with - and DO NOT become her friend first! That is relationship death.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
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