Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/27/2008

Question
I was just reading your response to Sabrina's "Falling for a (somewhat) older man,” I like your attitude and just had to ask you to follow up on her original question.
   I'm 24 and have spent the last four years single, getting right with myself, getting my priorities together, and figuring out what I want out of a relationship.  I’ve gone on dates here and there, but never really found what I was looking for. For the last two months, I have been dating a 43 YO divorce with one daughter, age 11.  Granted, I never thought I'd hear myself say that, but I'm totally smitten with him and he with me (still in the "like" stage, not trying to rush). We can't deny our chemistry, so we haven't had any of the intimacy issues Sabrina has. I love children, and I'm not worried at all about meeting his daughter. The ex-wife is an unfortunate hitch and acting like what rhymes with "hitch" about the relationship, but that's his issue to handle for now. I plan on bolstering my rhino-hide for the day of that eventual meeting. I love his intellect, sense of humor, his kindness and generosity to others, his love for life and family, and I’ve even begun to enjoy karaoke because he sings love songs and “Brown Eyed Girl” to me.
   I have a just few questions. To begin, like Sabrina, how do I not screw this up?  What are some ways I can show him I'm mature enough for this relationship? Also, we are both friendly, outgoing, good-looking people and I think some jealousy may arise on either side, how can I kind of nip it in the bud or prevent it becoming an issue?  My final question is how do I go about introducing him to my dad who will be 50 this year?  My mother isn’t a problem; in fact, he’s a friend of hers and one day it clicked to her that we’d be perfect for each other, so she made the introductions and we’ve been seeing each other as often as possible since. My parents are divorced, so my dad doesn’t have a clue other than I’ve been seeing a lot of someone I really like.
   Thanks for any input.


Answer
Hello Nichole!

First let me comment on the meeting with the ex-wife through a story:

Many years ago I was dating this girl that had two kids. She and I got very close as did me and the children. One day she told me her ex was coming to pick up the kids and that I should probably not be there in order to help alleviate any tension. I thought about it for awhile and finally decided that I had to meet him some day so that was the day.

When he arrived, she and I met him at the door. Their relationship wasn't exactly warm, but I excused myself to step outside, close the door and have a chat with him. I explained who I was and told him that because I was spending so much time with his ex and the kids that I might be able to help him.

I wasn't trying to be their "daddy" - his job - but I did have some influence on them and as long as his wishes didn't conflict with hers, I'd be happy to help him express his views and importance with the kids.

After he picked his jaw up off the floor, we scheduled to meet for a beer the next evening and actually became close friends. Our friendship lasted far longer than the relationship did!

The point of this is that the ex doesn't have to be in the way as long as you realize that she has her own motivations and you're not there to prevent her from having what she wants - and in fact, can be another way for her to get them.

On to your questions:

I'm sorry to say that I don't remember what I told Sabrina simply because I get so many of these questions everyday that I can't possibly keep them straight. What I will say is that you shouldn't be worried (or even focused) on "screwing this up" at all. You bring what you bring to the table. The age difference has very little to do with it. You're both "smitten" with each other and that what's important.

Jealousy isn't a real issue either unless you choose to make it one. Jealousy is simply your lack of feeling worthy of the other person. In fact, by choosing to be with you (and you with him) that proves you ARE worthy. Thus, jealousy is a non-issue. You nip it in the bud by always remembering that fact and always striving to stay worthy of him and his attention by not taking him for granted.

With regards to your father, you didn't say this specifically but you seem to feel he's going to have some problem with the age difference. Frankly, I think you underestimate your boyfriend! You might find that they have a lot in common and actually connect on a masculine level. Either way, your father has the right to react however he will but how will that change anything for you? Answer: it won't. Even if he's not happy about things, he'll come to grips with it and your mother is going to be a big influence here too.

Lisa, don't create problems that don't exist through your assumptions. Make what you have work by staying focused on what's right about it all - not what YOU think is wrong.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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