Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/27/2008

Question
I'm of the opinion that opportunities to date many of the most prized women in the dating scene have a small window of opportunity. My last relationship was with one who I thought was the woman of my dreams but now I realize that she probably didn't have enough time to heal from her previous marriage and I ended up just being a rebound for her. She wasn't ready to commit. But when I met her, she had other men expressing interest in her and I felt I had to strike while the iron was hot or I'd lose my chance to someone else. Is this a fact of life of wanting to be with someone considered popularly to be attractive? Should men go for the kill or use more wisdom and bide their time? Or is there some magic way of keeping someone interested, given the competition, without falling head over heels for them until you've seen what kind of junk they have in their closet?

I know that this might just be a fact of life. I want to be able to accept the rules of the game but at the same time, I don't want to end up falling for someone who suddenly realizes she can't commit and has repeated that cycle over and over again with every man in her life. She said a few times "I wish I wasn't pretty". Boo-yeah, right, lol. Hindsight is lovely. Attractive women don't have to be alone and a lot of them choose not to be for more than a week or two at a time.

Here's my (somewhat bitter) comparison: A man who is wounded and vunerable is considered unattractive and without sex appeal by women and has a slim chance of dating opportunities until he has regained his mojo.

But a vunerable, wounded woman seems to be like the smell of blood to sharks and can get laid at the drop of a hat. And they know this and use it to make you bite! So where does courage and wisdom intersect here?

Any insight on this?

Answer
Hello Paul!

Unfortunately, it depends on the woman. You can't draw a "rule" from your level of attraction to her. In most cases, you need to move when you have the chance, but NOT because someone else might come scoop her up - frankly, that's ridiculous. If you understand your own value and know how to express it, it doesn't matter if she is with someone else or not. Women are notoriously good at "dating up".

When I go to a place with lots of other guys, I either want to be the first guy to meet a girl (and break the ice, thus leaving an impression) or I want to be the last guy (thus taking her home or again, leaving an impression.) In either case I express power and value to her.

Remember too that the women you deem as the highest "value" (usually through her looks) often get the least "play" in a public setting! Believe it - I hear it all the time from them. Many guys are intimidated through their own lack of confidence and self-worth to approach these girls and in fact, they often don't get approached.

Even when they do approach them, they make all the classic mistakes that simply cause her to withdraw. For instance, they tell her how beautiful she is or fawn all over her and never try to tell her what their own value is.

In fact, there is a right time to move things forward with every woman and learning when that time is is a skill in and of itself. With women that are injured, some attention can go a long way, but it's not anywhere near as important as your own perception of your personal power and value. True also of women that are "healthy".

Let me give you an example of this:

A few weeks ago I was at a club doing a session with a number of guys (teaching them how to approach women.) Two of the guys were terrified but they kept pointing out this one girl sitting with her other friends and were totally gaga over her. A few guys at the club approached her, but she turned them down.

After a few minutes, I approached them and walked away with TWO phone numbers - one was hers, and the other was some guy that hit on her earlier. She just gave me his number because "...she wasn't going to need it now" (her words!)

You see, this girl had already been approached a number of times and got a phone number from someone else there. I wasn't the first guy, but I was the "best"; and thus, the last. That's what is important.

So, the lesson is this:

1) Be ready to approach anytime, anywhere you need to.
2) Learn to approach at the right time - not just at the earliest, unless that is the right time.
3) Have your own confidence, ego and self-esteem in check.
4) Pick your targets carefully - make sure they are good choices for you.
5) Learn how to "convert": approaches to closes, closes to dates, dates to sex, sex to relationships, etc., etc.
6) Don't worry about any other guy out there (well, except for me - what an arrogant bastard I am!) Just consider YOU are the last guy she's going to need to meet.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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