Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/31/2008

Question
QUESTION: why are there so many divorces nowadays i just dont get it? and what is the main cause?

thanks :)

ANSWER: Hello Katrina!

Actually, there aren't too many divorces. There are too many marriages.

The reality is that people often get married for all the wrong reasons - and there are a ton of them. Here are just a few:

* To not be lonely
* Because it seems like the next step
* To get regular sex
* Out of fear (and many different types of fear)
* Financial reasons
* Because it becomes the primary focus for one partner in the relationships (usually the woman)
* A mistaken belief that you can "own" someone else

...and on and on and on...

Here's the real problem with this: marriage isn't a "relationship". It's a FORMAT for a relationship. So is dating exclusively, living together, dating non-exclusively, etc., etc. In fact, there are thousands of different formats for relationships.

The reality is that only 30% of married people cite being "happy" in the marriage. When you consider that 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce, that means that only 15% are actually "happy"! Those are really terrible odds.

What I'd rather see is people focusing on the quality of their relationships, not the format. If they'd do that instead, there would be a lot more happy couples in my opinion.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: When would you advise couples to marry? And how do you know that you have found the right person?

Also, how do you not become bored in a marriage and end up cheating or straying or leaving for someone else? They say men are not designed to be with one woman. But I think that goes for women as well? Plenty of women are not designed to be with only one man. Or they get bored and find someone else.

Another issue, I have noticed lately, that a lot of men in relationships (long term girlfriend, fiance, wives, even those with kids) have been approaching me. This means either their current relationship is not happy, or the repeat offenders could be they are just one of those people that don't like being tied down. Once again getting married for the wrong reason.

Plus the married guys are really risque! they risk everything, their career, their lives, their marriage, their family, espeically their reputatoin, to get with me (or whatever "other" woman in question)

What is it about the marriage and their wives that is so unhappy that makes them brazen enough to hit on me so desperately?

To be fair women do this too, by the way. so same reason. so just curious, what is it about their husbands that makes the married woman with kids so desperate to leave all that behind and run off with a new man?

ANSWER: Hello again Katrina!

More reality: (I'm just full of reality today!)

Marriage benefits women far more than it does men. I've written a ton about why this is true, so I'll not talk about that right now other than to cite the fact.

There are only 2 reasons why men should get married:

1) They want kids. I believe that children should be raised in two-parent households.
2) The guy has found; without question the true and complete love of his life - no questions or reservations whatsoever.

That second point is a real killer! Most men enter into marriage with the best intentions, but in fact, get kicked square in the stones because of it.

You're right about men: we are not monogamous by nature. On the other hand, monogamy works best for women and you are pre-programmed to do well with it. The belief that women are designed to be polygamous is simply a media with the agenda of saying, "See, women are just like men!" No, women are just like women, not men. There's a ton of science behind this and no amount of wishing will make something true. In 98% of all mammalian species - including humans - males are polygamous and females are monogamous.

As to how to make a marriage work long-term, it's actually very difficult, but can be done. Consider this: we've only been a "pair-bond" society for about 5,000 years. That seems like a long time, but in fact, humans have been around in one form or another for about 7.5 million years! If you do the math, that means we've only been pair-bonding for 0.067% of the time we've been here! That just isn't enough to change our basic biology. Pair-bonding is not the natural way we're designed - it's a cultural adaptation - and works against men's programming. Thus, it adds tons of unnatural stress to us which translates directly into our relationship.

In order for marriages to work long-term, there needs to be a goal larger than simply being married. Kids are one of these goals and many couples stay together - and even thrive - for the benefit of the children. Another goal is economic and older marriages (pre-1970) survived for this reason too.

When two people get married, they have to accept the fact that they're going to eventually find other people attractive, but "commit" to the marriage in order to make it work for the greater good. It's like giving up that dessert because you want a trimmer figure - you give up the immediate desire to have a higher benefit. Unless both people in a relationship commit to this higher benefit, it's not very likely that the marriage will survive.

Unlike the dessert however, the sex drive (particularly in males) is huge. Many marriages survive simply by accepting this fact and the wife either commits to deal with that need or accepts him getting it met elsewhere. Likewise, the internal need for women to feel safe and protected has to be dealt with in a healthy way as well. Obviously, these are oversimplifications for very complicated issues, but you get my drift.

Being approached by these men in committed relationships doesn't mean that they relationships aren't happy. That is a misconception. Instead, they are simply living out their biological programming. Many married men have extramarital affairs, you just don't hear about them. In many non Judeo-Christian communities, it's accepted as "normal" for men to have sex partners outside of the marriage and their marriages don't suffer because of it. In fact, many of them thrive specifically because of it.

Just the fact that these men risk so much should tell you how powerful the sex drive is in men. Yes, they often DO risk everything. This is yet another reason why men should NOT get married.

Every relationship is different, but in most cases, these men's wives don't accept their responsibilities to insure their husbands are sexually satisfied. In fact, they regularly send their men out into the world (of women) with their triggers cocked and ready to fire. That's pretty dumb in my estimation!

The general belief is that men break up families when in fact, women are responsible for filing 72% of all divorces! The knee-jerk reaction is to assume then that these women did this because the men cheated, but isn't not giving the husband what he needs (in effect, his "marital promise") just as much "cheating"?

As you can see, this gets pretty complicated pretty quickly!

As to why women leave their marriages for new men; in my experience, it's primarily due to expectation. Today, women are being told "You can have it all!" and many actually believe that's true. In fact, you can't have it all. You can have lot's of few things or little of a lot of things. Each woman (and man) has to make their own choices and trade-offs.

When women believe (via a media that is rampant in selling this ideal) that they aren't getting "everything they want" without having to invest everything they have; the will often move on to greener pastures thinking that will get them what they want.

I've talked to many, many women on this point and as women get older and go through enough relationships, they realize how futile this dream really is. Of course by that time, they've left a pretty wide wake of misery in their own paths too!

It's difficult to get people to have reasonable expectations. You either have to create in yourself the person you need to be to have the greatest benefits, or you have to accept a lack of them. Nobody else is here to make that happen for you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Don't forget the woman's sex drive.

Many a time, it can be way more powerful than the man's. Many men would be surprised to know that we women enjoy sex, masturbation, toys, pornography, and checking out attractive people much more than you men do. We just don't admit it :)

Dunno why. Maybe we don't think its too masculine or something.

Answer
Hey Katrina!

Oh! Trust me, I NEVER forget about a woman's sex drive!

"...it can be more powerful than the man's..."

Based on what standard? Based on what research? You see, this is more media agenda leaking through. There's no "proof" that a woman's sex necessarily is or is not more powerful than a man's. Some person said this, the media picked up on it and amplified it, but there is no study or research behind this at all. It's merely a media that wants to promote the belief that "...women are exactly like men..."

Sure in SOME cases at SOME times I'm sure it's true, but in general, you don't see nearly as many women going to jail for sex-based crimes as you do men; and that's not a male-negative court system talking. In fact, sex is such a powerful motivator for some men that they'll risk losing everything to get it satisfied.

You hear about the occasion woman that does this too, but no where near in the same numbers.

How do you know that you "enjoy it more" than men do? Again, that's not "science" is speculation; of which I'm comfortable for you have. Many women in fact DO write to me with their stories, fantasies, etc.; thereby admitting it, but you're right. Most women enjoy these things in private. I'm always glad to hear about any woman that has a strong, healthy sexual appetite as it shows she's gotten past all of the sexual stigma hurled at women these days.

The main difference between women and men's sexualities in this way is the emotional component. It's not that men don't have an emotional component, it's just as critical to satisfy. For most women, it's hugely important and often becomes the primary reason for sexual release.

This integration; or lack thereof, is neither particularly good or bad - it just "is".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"