Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/25/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi doc
i happen to be the manager of a manager who has this girl (she is 21 and i m 28) in his team and i have always kept a distance from her "interested" eyes and only maintained warm smiles everytime we passed by each other. This has been happening since last 5 months... oflate we just got started talking when she was late at work and i helped her get a transport back to her residence, considering no one else was around to help. she called me feom the cab and we spoke for over 2.5 hrs. At office i maintained the usual distance and she appeared to be expecting a closer interaction. Towards the end of the day i text messaged her asking about how her day was etc and soon wished her good night. On the third day as well I began interacting on text messages and she appeared to be quite responsive showing me her interest levels, then i called her up and we spoke for over 2 hrs, before she finally went off to sleep.
Doc this girl seems to be interested in something to do with me and thats why i see her quite forthcoming but that could be because she is impressed with my profile and the respect i carry, as she has made a mention of that several times.. besides i look good too. My only concern here is that although she is appearing to be interested and I like an open and honest person like her, I want to take sufficient precautions to ensure this thing between us grows stronger and has life... i often consider her excitement as some sort of "rush" that exists only because i began talking to her a few days ago and that it will die out soon... may be when that rush settles down OR the day she realizes that "i have" begun to "think about her" as well... not sure... I want a normal relationship and m ready to take it slow if thats whats required... she also appears to be quite naive to this relationship thing and may be thats why she isn't playing any "games" with me like my previous girl friend (an attention whore) did.. Doc I need you help and advice in this thing I seem to be getting into... to keep it young and interesting what precautions must i take? how should i sense that its time for my next move (asking her out)? i think allowing myself to be pulled into those hourly long talks may have her take me for granted.. not sure... what do you think how much distance should i maintain to ensure this bond keeps growing and is healthly? also i wouldn't want her to talk about this to anyone at work, as thing begin getting complicated then... how should i deal with this expectation of mine without offending her?
Doc pls help me not blow this up. Thanks for your time! God Bless!!!!

ANSWER: Hello Jimmy!

Well, you're right about this: it WILL die down if you just let it simmer like you are.

You see, the problem here is that you have to have movement. Trying to hold the 2.5 hour dates on the phone is going to get pretty tiring pretty quickly - for both of you. You're not building anything at all, you're simply prolonging things. Unfortunately this sort of distance doesn't "...make the heart grow fonder", it makes it forget.

You also can't manipulate things artificially and expect everything to work out. You're going to have to let the relationship move at it's own speed - fast or slow - for it to survive. The belief that "taking it slow" is a way to longevity is ridiculous. That just throws additional tension into the mix because it's unnatural.

What you need to do is to meet her for a drink or two outside of work. This is a "date" - not what you've been holding on the phone. That's where you can explain the need for both of you to keep things quiet at work - and the complexities of not doing so. Likewise, that's the time to make a move - to kiss her. You've got to do this in order to things to kick-off. I suggest you set something up for next weekend.

This is one of those situations where time is not your ally.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for the response Doc. I actually tried setting something up this weekend by first asking her if she enjoys a certain live show I regularly visit on weekends to which she said she very much does. Then when I asked the obvious that what is the doing that evening, she immediately mentioned that she would be going out with a female friend she hasn't met in 3 weeks. Needless to say i didn't ask her the final question if she can make it to the show with me. Doc I will try again this weekend but can you suggest me how do i get her to drop her obvious resistence, such as above, by creating that "want" within her to meet me outside for more? Also she appears to be quite naive to this relationship thing and may not appreciate me kissing her on our first date... any help to smoothen this act will be of great help. Pls let me know Doc! Thanks!

Answer
Hello again Jimmy!

The very best way to do this is to not worry about her reaction because you're not going to "ask" her, you're going to tell her instead.

Rather than asking her an obvious leading question like that ("Do you like..." and "What are you doing that evening... which are both obvious and gives her a chance to invent something), try this: say, "Ok, let's get together because we need to talk. Which evening is better for you, Friday or Saturday?"

You see, this isn't asking her, it's telling her and then giving her a choice of what is best. When you set this date, also DO NOT offer to call to confirm. Be clear and specific about when and where and just be there. Make sure you have her mobile number and that she has yours too.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"