Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/15/2008

Question
Ok, here is the problem. Me and this girl have been friends all through high school but since December we have been best friends. the past 2 months we have brought our friendship to a new level, aka friends with benefits u could say. but she has been going out with this guy for about 2 yrs but they were on a "break" when this stuff happened and he is a real douche bag to her and doesn't treat her good at all. and she always talks to me about it. and we have talked about going out but she always says that she feels like she has to be with him because her parents like him. The problem is that we get along so good and have amazing times when we are together. I just don't know what to do because she is giving this guys another chance for the hundredth time, when i'm sitting here waiting for my first chance. and i cant stop thinking bout her. what should i do?

Answer
Hello Bobby!

I'm going to answer your question, but I want you to stop and think about this for a minute: supposedly she's on a "break" and yet she's banging it out with you? What kind of break is that? If you ask me, it's a pretty damn disrespectful one to everyone involved - her boyfriend AND you!

This technicality doesn't change her relationship with this guy. In order to understand this, go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and click on BAM TV. Watch the video there on breaks.

The bottom line is that she's using both of you. She goes running back to this guy that supposedly mistreats her (and remember, you're only getting one side of the story AND you're not exactly uninvolved here to see both sides easily) but she keeps you hanging on in the wings whenever she wants something different. She knows damn well what you're doing there by the way.

Bobby, the real problem here is you. You're in control here if you'd just take it, but instead, you let her take the lead out of fear of losing her. She doesn't want that position and it's the specific reason why she doesn't dump this guy for you.

Now, what would happen if you got scarce and started dating other girls? What you fear is that she would bond even tighter with her boyfriend. The reality is that she would miss you and wonder why you're not around.

Your answer to that is that you're tired of her screwing up her life with such a loser when she has someone like you around and since she doesn't seem to know the difference, you're going to go find a girl that does.

Do you think that attitude is going to get her off the fence? Well, one thing we do know is that the way things are now isn't working out very well for you.

It's time to change your actions if you want to change your situation. Even better, if you're dating 2 or 3 other girls, you're not really going to care very much about what she does anyway!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"