AboutDr. Dennis W. Neder Expertise I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, dating and sex, and have answered over 20,000 letters from readers from all over the world.
I'm able to answer literally any question regarding dating, finding and approaching women, sex, getting phone numbers, setting dates, what to do on dates, how to set them (and make sure she shows), dealing with dating problems, conversion from dates to relationships, etc. Check my website at: http://beingaman.com for much more. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com
Experience My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but half my readers are women and I've very experiened in giving the male perspective on men and helping women understand us better.
Education/Credentials Ph.D
Past/Present clients Many thousands ... and millions of readers all over the world.
Question Hey. I just got your book and am just starting to read it. I need a quick answer on this because things just sorta happened last weekend and I have no idea how to manage casual relationships well, especially when the other expresses that they are interested in something exclusive. I want to be able to treat women respectfully and with honesty. I don't want to be deceptive. I've expressed to both that I'm happy the way things are. I don't think I need to provide all the details of my private life to everyone either. And I'm not going to settle down with anyone who doesn't have the traits I'm looking for in a commited relationship.
So here it starts: I was invited out on a couple separate occasions by a couple of milf's. I've been intimate with both. I don't want a monogamous relationship with either. But if I can manage it without it being a p.i.t.a. I want to have a friends with benefits thing with them and stay open to other women too. The alternative would be the "hit and run" approach (ie. just cut it off now). I prefer younger women but it seems that milf's are attracted to me and pursue me, which is fine with me.
So what should I say to them? I was thinking about having lunch and saying something like "lets hang out from time to time but I don't want to be in a committed relationship". That's the honest answer but I'm concerned it's going to result in a bunch of drama (jealousy, etc). After this, is it best to keep distance and perhaps cut off the sex for at least a little while? Basically, how do I set my boundaries with them? I want to be able to be open and have relationships without being labelled as a player.
Answer Hello Paul!
First of all, congratulations on getting and reading BAM 1. You're going to get quite an education!
Let's talk about honesty and openness for a moment.
Men are honor-bound to be open, honest and up-front about things. We are expected to end one relationship before we start another and to lay out our intentions and expectations from the very beginning.
The problem is that the guy that does this usually loses. Why? Simple: women are under no such honor-bound expectations! They commonly will get new relationships started before ending their current one. They will have expectations and agendas they keep hidden. They will hide, misdirect and obfuscate their intentions; all because we don't put the same onus of being "honorable" on them that we place on ourselves.
Granted, there are many aspects of relationships and even life in general that isn't fair, but I think this one is outside the bounds of reasonable.
I don't think you have to put it all on the table at all. I certainly don't think you should lie to someone and purposefully mislead them, but that's not what we're talking about here anyway.
Rather than saying that you want to just "hang out from time to time, but [you] don't want a relationship" is far more than I'd recommend. Let's say that you and she really click somewhere down the road. Are you then going to come back and change your mind?
I'd suggest something of a middle ground here. Why not say that you're not ready to date exclusively right now? That's accurate and doesn't close any doors at the same time.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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