AboutDr. Dennis W. Neder Expertise I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, dating and sex, and have answered over 20,000 letters from readers from all over the world.
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Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder Date: 6/11/2008 Subject: the horrible love triangle
Question hi, i have quiet the situation. there is this girl that i love and her name is Michelle. i first became attracted to her when i was sitting next to her in engineering class, when i started to smell something, there was no other smell like this one in the world, and it was just simply a wonderful smell. i did talk to her a lot before this happened, and we are really good friends right now. i, then, began to talk to her more, and i started to think about her all the time. but, then i started to think, what if this was just another lustful crush? and here's the thing, i don't care how she looks, i am attracted to her personality. well, something happened before i could ask her out. a guy, with the first name of stryker, which is also one of my very close buddies, is dumped by his dream girl, the one he has been dating for three years and dumped him for another guy and totally crushed his heart, goes after Michelle, and is now dating her, just to be dating her! now, stryker, he is half Mexican, and has to sure that everybody knows it, and he does these faces, which all the girls, even the ones who are currently dating, rub all over him. now, he doesn't care for her like i do, he wasn't at her high school graduation, but i was. he doesn't know when her birthday is, what her favorite food is, what her favorite sport is, nothing! but, i do, Nov 29, 1988, Thailand food, and soccer. i care for her, don't ignore her, flirt with other girls, and i treat her right. stryker, he does the complete opposite. now, a lot of people told me to move on to another girl. i cant, there are no other girls like her, she is a one a kind precious angel. she knows i like her, she knows i hate stryker (the reason why i hate him, is because he is dating her, id hate anyone who dates her), and stryker is going to basic training in Sept. and they're going to break up, anyway. my biggest fear, is that Sept. comes, and their still aren't broken up. how can i convince her that stryker is nothing more than a charmer, show her the i truly care for her, and that she will be so much happier with me than any other man in this world?
Answer Hello Christopher!
First of all, there's no "love triangle" here at all. They are a couple and you're the odd man out - all because you sat around waiting for someone else to come in and swoop her up. That's exactly what Stryker did.
Either Stryker is your friend or he's not. If he is, then you have only one choice and that's to back off, go lick your wounds, get healed and move on. Your friends are going to be far more important to you than the girls you meet - if you take care of them. Bro's before ho's. That's the way it is.
Even if you think you could treat her better than he could doesn't make a bit of difference. What about her? What does she want? It's obvious that she wants a guy that will make some move. You have proven (to her, me, yourself) that you're not this guy, so now all of a sudden you want what you lost, and you want to ruin a friendship in the process of getting it?
Sorry Christopher, this has to be a very painful lesson that I hope you'll never, ever forget. Whether they're "together" long-distance in September or not makes little difference.
Now, let's say that this guy isn't your friend (and you're going to have to be honest with yourself here, either he is or he isn't); even then you're in a very, very weak position. You're still the "nice guy" and it's pretty obvious that she's no attracted to "nice guys". Thus, you're either going to have to change that or go find someone else anyway.
Is this picture starting to clear up for you? It's going to be so much more difficult to turn her head now than if you'd have done it when you had the chance. You're not going to get her to suddenly realize that you're the right guy for her and he's a jackass, but if you still want to try, you're going to have to get to her right away and tell her (don't ask her) that you and she are going out. If she brings up Stryker just tell her that he's a non-issue since he's leaving in September anyway. What kind of relationship does she think she's going to have with him? Answer: not much of one.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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