Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/5/2008

Question
QUESTION: I've noticed lately that many really pretty girls with nice personalities are single. And they stay single for loooooooong periods of time. They want a boyfriend but cannot find one.

And the only guys they get are the 'players' who have the confidence to approach hot women, only to use them for sex and then dump them.

Why is this occurring so much. How come the lonely guys and girls can't find each other?

ANSWER: Hello Karina!

This is a really excellent question. I've been looking forward to answering it. I just hope you enjoy my answer as much.

The reality is this: women are by far their own worst enemies. Women are creating all sorts of problems for themselves in their attempts to have the relationships they really want to have. Trust me, I get questions related directly to this every day; and in fact, I just answered two of them!

Women are being bombarded with all sorts of messages that simply conflict with their real goals and their own internal wiring. In fact, I even see some female "experts" on this board telling women to do the most stupid things you can imagine! Some experts!!!

Here are just a very few of them (from a sea of examples):

* The "Independent Woman Syndrome"
* Not picking up the phone when he calls
* Not returning phone calls
* Returning phone calls with emails or texts
* Not working on themselves to be worthy of decent guys and decent relationships
* Canceling dates at the last minute
* Not acting too interested - or interested at all
* Not returning anything to the dating process - being only takers
* Being evasive
* Not learning to communicate with guys in their own languages
* Being assumptive and not finding out what's really going on
...and so many more I don't have the time to list them...

Most women want to feel like the guy is really into them, so they do all these dumb things for two reasons: 1) for the attention, and 2) thinking that it raises their value in the eyes of the men they're interested in. None of these girls really understand these guys! So, they get ignored, used for sex or dumped by the guys that know how to work these girls.

Trust me, I know this all too well - I train these guys on how to do exactly this - but in my own defense, I also train these same guys on how to differentiate these stupid game players from the real, quality girls that want - and deserve - more.

The girls you're talking about (are you one of them?) are easy targets because they expose themselves by playing all of these idiotic games and then expect Prince Charming to actually put up with it. Instead, the Prince simply finds girls that don't do this and these poor girls are left sitting at home weekend after weekend.

This makes them even easier targets for this abuse because they get needy. The difficult part of this is that changing everything would be so easy if they'd just give up these defensive games and be open - truly open - to the guys that draw their interests; if they would stop thinking about only their own selfish needs and start thinking about what they bring to the table; if they'd start considering how to make someone else happy rather than worrying about their own happiness, they'd finally have everything they could ever dream of having.

This very attitude is so pervasive in westernized women these days, that many men are simply boycotting them! Seriously! I get letters everyday from guys that tell me they'll no longer date women born in the US ("AmFems") the UK ("UKFems"), Canada ("CanFems") or Australia ("AusFems"). It should tell you something when it's so pervasive that these girls even have names!

With the guys the answer is far, far easier - it's about education, pure and simple. A lonely guy = an uneducated guy.

Are you still glad you asked this question????

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Oh my god Dr. Neder, I SOOOO agree with you!!!!!

You know I should tell you something that goes in line with what you just said.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was told (by both older women and men) to not pursue the man, do not ask for a guy's phone number or email or instant messenger, do not add guys to your facebook or myspace, do not message guys on facebook or myspace, do not email guys, do not ask out a guy on a date, let him ask you out, do not call him, let him call you, let him do everything etc.

In fact my entire life I've done the pursuing and asking men on dates. Granted they never worked out. But at least I got SOME action.

And then there's those books like "He's Just Not That Into You" which makes women not approach men even more.

I'm not saying that's totally wrong, I mean yes, it's true there's no point chasing after a man who's NOT interested, but still....why should a woman be so afraid to approach a guy she likes?!?!

I think it's stupid personally.

And what's worse is that the girls who DO approach guys...the men don't know how to move things forward! So the girls feel like we're changing diapers and get disgruntled and give up.

Jeez louise.

So what do you say. What's a SMART way for us ladies to approach the man we like, and not waste his or our time if he's not interested or a loser?

thanks,
take care :)
Karina

Answer
Hello again Karina!

Here's part of the problem: very few people are really experts at relationships and thus, they rely on "feel good" advice rather than real things that have been proved to work.

Your parents came out of a generation where these things were true, but the dating world is no longer like this at all. You can't use old answers to solve new problems.

The book you mentioned is such a great example of this "feel good" advice. I'm very familiar with it. Women are looking for answers and this stuff just "feels right". It doesn't make it right however and more damage has been done to you women today because of it.

No, it's not totally wrong; but then, even a broken clock is right twice a day. The problem is that you get little bits of truth scattered throughout a bunch of crap. So how do you decipher what's right and what's wrong? Your only measure is to go back to the things that didn't work before: trial and error.

I completely agree with you - I wish would WOULD learn how to approach guys. I understand why so few do however. Most women need to feel some "chase" from a guy. This has a masculine, aggressive sense to it and tends to make women feel secure. Let's face it, you'll never feel love if you don't feel secure first!

The problem is that today, so few guys really know how to approach a woman. I beat on them everyday about it, but I'm only one guy and can't reach every other. Thus, women need to learn how to pick up the slack.

In fact, it's actually a lot easier for women to approach men! I'm in the process of finishing a book on this very subject called, "How Women Can Approach Men". You girls have a bunch of tools that men don't have - and you need to learn how to use them to your own advantage.

Part of the problem with your question is the unwritten part. You ask about the "smart" way to approach guys, but your question is really about how to differentiate good targets from bad ones. In fact, you have to do the obvious things like check for a wedding ring - or a wedding ring tan. You have to see how he reacts to your approach.

Probably the single smartest thing you can do is to not do all his work for him. There are two things you SHOULD do: make the initial approach if he won't, and offer him your number if he doesn't ask. The rest of the things will dictate if you want to give him your number at all.

For instance, if you approach a guy (opening a "set" in pick-up parlance) you just get the ball rolling. See if he tries to build rapport and connection with you. If he doesn't, he either doesn't know what he's doing or he's not interested. After a few minutes (no more than about 20-30) he should "close" you for your digits. If not and you like him, you can say, "You know, you should take my number so we can meet up again."

Notice how you didn't specifically give him the number - you just offered and he has to take it from there.

One more note: it's perfectly ok to ask for his number too and even to call him, but DO NOT do it in lieu of giving him your number! I teach guys to specifically avoid this situation for reasons beyond the scope of this thread.

Hope that helps!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"