AboutDr. Dennis W. Neder Expertise I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women". I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, dating and sex, and have answered over 20,000 letters from readers from all over the world.
I'm able to answer literally any question regarding dating, finding and approaching women, sex, getting phone numbers, setting dates, what to do on dates, how to set them (and make sure she shows), dealing with dating problems, conversion from dates to relationships, etc. Check my website at: http://beingaman.com for much more. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com
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Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder Date: 6/2/2008 Subject: working girls...critique?
Question I have a couple questions but the most important one first: Just 10 minutes ago I asked a girl out who was working at a coffee shop. Didn't know much about her other than what I've gleaned from casual conversation with her over a couple occasions spread out over a month or so. We've flirted a little in the past, over the counter - within limits of work environment (ie. no touching, limits, etc). So today, after not seeing her for a while, I figured why not just ask her out. Fortune favors the brave, right? I said, "I don't mean to interrupt your work but I wanted to ask because you seem interesting. Can I buy you a mocha sometime?" Not very humorous I suppose - very to the point. She declined, said "um, probably not" then nervous laugh. I feel alright about it - not at all diminished or rejected, just a little disappointed maybe. I wonder if my approach was ok. Sometimes I see a hottie and just wonder if I can meet her. Call this the "Pass go - collect 200 or GO TO JAIL" strategy, lol
I think I had comfortably learned everything I could without being obvious. Is there anything I should have done here that would improved my chances? Did I come across as an empowered male or desperate? Was it crazy to ask her in front of her coworkers?
I'm one to keep moving and learn from it. Any critique would be appreciated. Just as a note, I do have some social proof via a few friends in town but, since I'm rather new here, I want to extend my socialbility via more networking/friendships. It'll be a fair chunk of time and rubbing elbows before I have the social proof I want and damn, it gets lonely at times.
And if your time permits too, my second question was if I should be hangin out in public with women who I don't consider keepers? I enjoy female companionship but I'm unclear of the female social reaction to me "dating" or keeping FWB's while on the prowl for something better, possibly even going for it while said company is in the room. I know women do this all the time, lol.
Answer Hello Paul!
I'm glad you're trying to expand your social sphere. That's exactly how you'll start getting the "yes's". By the way, you might want to check out the latest episode of "BAM! TV" (http://beingaman.tv) as it has a great technique called the "20 No's" - relates directly to your question.
I also think there's a misconception about what "social proof" is, but I'll address that in a moment.
Anyway...
There are three things to consider in your approach. First of all, you approached a waitress. With bartenders, retail clerks, waitresses, hostesses, in fact, anyone that works directly with the public, remember that their job is to engage you. The more you like them, the more you tip. It's a pretty simple formula. That's why you can't use their apparent interest in you as a signal to approach them.
Second, you should never do this in front of her friends or workmates. It gives her greater reasons to say "no" since it's not exactly "work sanctioned" and they may even have a rule about not fraternizing with the customers - many places have these rules.
Third, you make the classic mistake of asking her for what you wanted rather than telling her. Think about this for a moment: you asked her if you could buy her a mocha. This means you weren't sure of her answer - or your value to her. Now, keep in mind that women are notoriously good at hiding these things from you, but that's not the point here. Instead you should have said something like this:
"You know, you have a fun personality! Let's get together sometime next week and maybe, if you're good, I'll buy you a mocha. Here, write down your phone number on this napkin [hand her the napkin and a pen]. Which days are better for you, Tuesday or Wednesday?" [or whatever]
The point here, is that I didn't ask, I told. She's not going to say "uh, I don't think so." Instead, she'll simply comply and I could even set the date right then and there.
As to hanging out with women you're not attracted to - absolutely! THIS is "social proof". Anytime a woman (or anyone that is competing with the girl for the same target market - even a gay guy - seriously!) has your attention, you create a competitive situation between them and your level of interest in the other girl doesn't really matter. At the very least, she's getting your attention, and your target is not.
I've had women come over and shove their numbers into my hands right in front of my dates! Talk about competitive!
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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