Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/26/2008

Question
Hello Dr. Dennis W. Neder.
I have been in a great relationship for the last 16 weeks, every thing was great !! She is 32 years old (never married) with a fantastic 10 year old daughter and I'm 38 separated with two great girls 14 & 16, we met by chance and started dating, she is a very independent woman and for the first few dates she wouldn't even let me give her a kiss ( cheek only ) any way we started been together all the time our kids liked each other and both of us got on really well with each others kids as well, She and I slept at each others homes and shared so much , she had told me that I would be a great dad and that she felt I was the one that she could grow old with !!! she cooked for each other often...
on a Saturday night out on the town she told me that she loved me , she does not express her self much by saying things like that she normally just shows it , the following Thursday she left me !? she said that she does not feel the same for me as I do for her , she is no good for me ! that I am different to the men she had been with in the past and that I'm to nice, I told her that she is just scared to let any one in and love her the way she deserves !!! now she takes medication for anxiety and I know she stopped taking them about 2 weeks earlier ( is this why ) she said that she felt smothered and crowded by my love even though it was her inviting me over nearly every day the week earlier , infact the Thursday prior she cooked me dinner as I worked late ran me a bath with a candle and glass off wine and spoilt me ! I just don't understand , I am very much in love with this woman and her great kid . I want them in my life and so do my kids......
Help..

Gavin

Answer
Hello Gavin!

You equate her not being willing to kiss you with being "independent"? Hmm...well ok, I guess you can believe anything you want to believe.

With her going off her medication, that may very well have something to do with all of this, but frankly, I'd be VERY careful about giving her that much leeway. Depending on the meds she's taking, she might have to come off of them slowly - not all at once.

However, that doesn't explain this issue of you being "too nice". Gavin, you don't understand what she means by that statement. It's a very specific "womanese" term. Let me try to explain:

For women to feel love, (and trust me, they WANT to feel love) they need to be with someone that first makes them feel safe and secure. Many men (you included) actually; but mistakenly believe, that by being the "nice guy" they are showing the woman that she can rely on them. Unfortunately, what this says in clear, specific female language is that you're weak and that they CAN'T rely on you. That makes them feel unsafe and insecure and will prevent them from ever feeling love.

This woman gave you the pre-tests with the kissing. You thought that was from her being independent; but trust me, no woman really wants to be truly independent. They want to be inter-dependent, but they're not going to just let everything go unless/until they are absolutely sure that the man in their lives is strong enough to handle things.

Now, it might be that going off the meds caused her to realize this or not, but the fact is, she doesn't see you as the strong masculine figure that she needs in her life.

The next obvious question then, is can you turn this around? The not-so-obvious answer is: not likely. You've spent the majority of this relationship in a feminine roll - not being the strong, directed, goal-oriented masculine figure. I don't think you're going to convince her that you are that guy now just out of the blue.

Further, I don't care how much fun you had or how well your kids get along, that's not what she needs personally. Until you address a woman's foundational needs, she's never going to feel safe and will therefore never feel love.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"